UPDATE POST 10/5/15

Hey buddies... I've been hard at work stuffing as much food as I can fit in my face and sleeping too much because I'm a sad sack. I'm seriously depressed bros, but I'm willing to redeem myself. To prove I deserve to be alive, that my spermatozoa wasn't the fastest to the egg for nothing I'm going to show you all I'm still invested with a little place-holder post.

Indeed, I do have great things planned! I've been reading a fucking cornucopia of Japanese comic books and because these cats couldn't write anything succinctly if their life depended on it I only read two stories in 3000 pages of luscious right-to-left Asian art. I've also endeavored to watch their live action movie adaptations because I'm a nerd like that. Can't tell you which mangas I've read yet but I can give you a hint.

I said two weeks ago I'd have part two of that story up today and I know I failed to meet that standard (I have hit myself with a belt accordingly) I'm making it up as I go along and the details I have in my head have to be dragged on to paper kicking and screaming. It's coming soon, I promise.

I have a new video in the works! It's about half way scripted and I can say with confidence it's going to be as great as it is different from my last. It's not a list, but rather a venomous critique of a comment thread on a Facebook photo. Riveting shit, I assure you.

On the back burner: I've really ought to do a re-haul on the aesthetics on this blog/ writer profiles. So look forward to something more pleasing to your eyeballs in the future. 

The point of this blog, at least for me, is to produce content like I've got thousands of subscribers (even though, at this moment I do not) because my audience deserves the best I can do and even though I may toil away, forever in obscurity, knowing I did my best is all the reward I need.

Thanks for reading buddy

Love,
Big Mike.

Musical postscript: I'm really falling in love with Sleepytime Gorilla Museum: They're weird, fiercely thematic, mad-scientist caliber experimental and they make music that drives my animals nuts.

Listen to the song they wrote about me here.

Musings from elsewhere in the galaxy

"Oh freddled gruntbuggly,
The micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits
On a lurgid bee.
Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes
And hooptiously drangle me
With crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
See if I don't!"

-Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, HGTTG

One handsome motha fucka

"Oh freddled gruntbuggly,
The micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits
On a lurgid bee.
Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes
And hooptiously drangle me
With crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
See if I don't!"

-Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, HGTTG

I will come forth and conquer the land of cheap fast food, request extra tomatoes and lettuce, and let it be known...


It will be delicious.

Food?

39 - Tenacious D

Pink - Aerosmith

Stuck In The Middle With You - Stealers Wheel

Come Together - The Beatles

Dazed And Confused - Led Zeppelin

War Is Inevitable

Fire falls from the skies
A child's blood flows in view
The one we called God dies
Now just the radiated few

Gasoline or money
Ain't it so funny
Probably for a bitch
That universal itch

We want it all as the entitled
Center of it all in the back end
A glowing band at an ash recital
Take the young for a field to send

It's all clever
Let's live forever
Gimme gold
Getting bold

Anger and hate
Anger and hate
Anger and hate
Anger and hate

A sociopath's dance party...

War is inevitable

The Godless Coin...dat ass doe

I keep hearing a lot about how all of the more tragic things keep occurring in the world because of someones extremism. I try to ignore most of it, because I just like watching movies and listening to music. However, a lot of the time it gets shoved into my face. That is when I become bothered.

Yeah yeah I know, The United States has become a utopia of butt fucking, nigger loving,atheist,baby killing, socialist Muslim, Mexican immigrants, but hey, wasn't it always? Yet here we are, the largest sect of individuals in the country feel that they are being discriminated against, and marginalized, when in truth all it is is that the playing field is slowing just being evened out.

 Now that the center of the world belongs to and increasingly higher amount of fringe individuals, people, doesn't mean you need to be worries.

Or maybe be a little worried. Unless you have bubblegum. Everyone likes bubblegum.

I keep trying to act like I am a busy individual. But in truth, it's a series of events that prevent me from doing the dishes. Fuck the dishes.

Fuck them.

Pan - The Veils

The Choice Is Yours - Black Sheep

Layla - Eric Clapton

Give It Away Now - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Heads Will Roll (A-Trak Remix) - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Must...have...in...your...ear...pussies...

Listen to some of this...n...n...n...now

And then fuck off.

Puppets that hate each other

After much publicity, a couple of speeches, and a behind the scenes meetings, the two gentlemen, of whom are controlled by private interests of severe cases of sociopathy, also in control of the two most lethal military forces the world has ever seen, still, well, hate each other, and disagree on just about everything. Except a few "key points."

Those key points?

Um...kill the bad guys?

Yeah, no shit.

Idea of who the bad guys are may differ

Don't worry ladies and gents. Between these two men, we could destroy the world many, MANY times over. Yes, I said "we." Unity already.

Lets celebrate!

Who Did You Think I Was? - John Mayer Trio

Born To Be Wild - Steppenwolf

Sweet Emotion - Aerosmith

Da Mystery Of Chessboxin - Wu-Tang Clan

Love Will Find You - Journey

5 songs of apocalypse (VIDEO!)

Here's an original video made by yours truly. The plan is to make these as often as possible, I'll be making lists, media critiques and laughing at idiots. Fun times to be had by most! The plan is to keep up blog posts, obviously, but hopefully this leads to some great stuff in the future.

My dear friends,

The icecaps have melted, flooding all our farmland with salt water. All the forests are on fire and the ash chokes out the sky and kills the animals. Roaming packs of cannibals search the wasteland for survivors to rape and to murder. Asteroids fall from the sky.  Nuclear power plants melt down and bridges crumble across the land under the weight of disintegrating infrastructure. Shit's bad, but at least we can still still listen to music.

I'm Big Mike and I have 5 of my favorite songs about the apocalypse.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUJIsT8rQAE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rKC7ElkTUQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSdsWEi2Hho
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTnf_KYyrBQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=068AFYvd58E

Love,

Big Mike

Lets talk about World Star.

If I was a catholic I would be a sinner, but because I don't believe in sin I'll just settle for being a bad person. You see, I've been indulging a very guilty pleasure and I think I should come clean to you, my gentle reader.

I watch street fight compilations on YouTube.

Not just one or two, either. I can watch these for hours. I get a visceral thrill out of watching people who can't fight professionally beat the fuck out of one another. Sucker punches, head kicks, three-on-ones, hair pulling, bitch-slapping and body slams: I can't get enough. My higher minded self is disgusted but my lizard brain gobbles it up like violence flavored candy.

Despite my misgivings I know that violence as entertainment has been a thing since the dawn of man. The Romans had Gladiators, Boxing has been an Olympic sport since 688 BC and Takeshi's castle caused much hilarious bodily harm for a whole 4 years. The thrill you get from seeing people hurt each other is self evident, I think everyone enjoys it to a degree. It's wired into our very chimp DNA.

Why then do I feel so bad about enjoying World Star? One: although I think the practice of fighting as sport is respectable, or even commendable, the people in these videos are not athletes. Two: these people fighting in Section 8 or in the club or in front of a Wendy's, to say the least, are not in a great place in their lives. A lot of pleasure I derive here is schadenfreude, or for the German challenged, a joy in the suffering of others.

These people (most of the time they're grown adults) are beating the shit out of each other, risking life-threatening injury for trivial things. Whether it be theft of money or romantic partner, someone saying something racist, drunk people being drunk or just some good old-fashioned stripper drama the reasons for these street brawls seem all too sad. One particular episode in particular (Video below, 12:44 minute mark) sticks out as something that feels too pathetic to be put in a snappy little YouTube video for my entertainment.

But hey, I guess if everyone had adult conflict resolution skills there wouldn't be any these videos for me to gawk at.

If you're feeling like assuaging guilt like me, lets play my patented Big Mike's World Star Hip Hop Drinking Game!

Warning! This game is going to go fast, you're going to get very drunk very quickly. I recommend no more the 3 fifteen minute rounds of this fabulous Big Mike's World Star Hip Hop Drinking Game.

Every time someone screams "World Star!" more then twice, take a shot.

Every time someone takes off their shirt, take a shot.

Every time the guy talking mad shit gets knocked out immediately, take a shot.

Every time someone says "You got knocked the fuck out!" take a shot.

When white people say "Nigga", take a shot.

When white people say "Nigger", take two shots.

Every time a third party gets involved halfway through a fight, take a shot.

Every time someone gets sucker-punched out cold, take a shot.

 When strippers start fighting, it's a party and you need to swap seats with the person to your right, take a shot.
Every time the fight is between a man and a woman, take a shot.

When a weave gets pulled out, take a shot.

When a woman body slams another woman, take a shot.

When a titty falls out of a torn top, take two shots.

Happy hip-hopping, sinners!

Love,

Big Mike.

Don't hate the player, REALLY hate the player

So, I was pretty excited when NBC announced their new Vegas drama with Wesley Snipes. The man is coming back. Yes! (or so I thought)

Without any spoilers, I can give you my problems with the very first (and I hope last) episode of this piece of garbage.

It opens up with Wesley, looking all bad ass standing over a dead person, in a fancy suit talking on the phone, being ready to fuck more shit up. No, that is not a problem. What became a problem, was that despite him being the center piece of the promos, it took forever to get back to him.

Next, the story was approached with shoddy, quick direction, and with character interaction that was uncomfortably too familiar too quickly.

Besides the actors failing to live up to their job title, the characters developed and the plot (or lack there of? its hard to really pin point it) unfolded far too quickly as well, causing confusion before anything could come to make sense.

It was so bad, I had to shut it off before I could finish it. And mind you, without seeing Mr. Snipes on the screen, even one more time.

Wesley, stop putting your god damn name on things. I know you need that cash money to feed your hot Asian wife. But c'mon, read the fucking script first.

Why Blade? Whyyyyyyyyy!!!?!?!??!

Don't worry though. What did I turn my attention to right after?

Shake! Shake! - The Subways

The Package - A Perfect Circle

No Rain - Blind Melon

Blood Brothers - Papa Roach

Heaven Beside You - Alice In Chains

Slammin' that pope dope

As a former practicing Catholic, I can admit that I do find it refreshing that the new Pope is getting the world to re-engage with a lot of genuine issues, such as remembering the homeless and the poor, acknowledging climate change, and so forth.

What is sickening to me, however, is that all of the concepts that he is going on about have been legitimate concepts for a very long time, and all he is saying is"lets just not be bastards." And people are going fucking nuts like these things have never been thought before.

We would also do well to remember that he is a religious leader, and a head of state. As is a revolving door, he will suck everyone into the fold, and then its the same control, over and over.

Don't worry. If you can't tithe with money, you can do so with blood.

Don't forget your friends. Little Jimmy and Sally are going, too.

But alas, all frustrations can be cured with the true religion.

Music.

Inner Universe - Yoko Kano & Origa

Cutting Crew - Died in your arms

Tank! - The Seatbelts

Midnight in Tokyo - Y&T

Soy Yo - Bomba Estereo


Aaaaaand, I'm gone.