Thursday, July 28, 2011

A most important repost

This is from a site I use to run. After randomly thinking about how pleased I was with it at the time of it's conception, I've decided to bring it back. So;

8 reason porn is better than televangelism

1. It makes me feel good.

If I pay a flat one time fee, or, find the right streaming website that has no cost, I can get off without Jesus watching. Well, without thinking about him watching. Whereas a preacher shouting at me about how I'm going to hell for being human, is, to me at least, counterproductive to my positive energies.

2. It is much, much cheaper.

Beyond the membership fee, which actually gets cheaper for the more service you ask for, porn is a rather cheap hobby, if you ever find the need to actually pay for it. The ads they push involve getting nicer abs, finding sex in "my area," and growing a bigger cock, all of which I ignore because I already know I'll refuse to pay for them anyways beyond doing sit ups, buying a pretty girl a drink at the bar, and well...I got what god gave me. However with televangelism, if I don't donate a tenth of my salary, it just isn't right of me. Beyond the millions of books sold, (not including the billions of bibles) the merch, and the tax redemption status, I'm sure they struggle. But hey, I struggle too.

3. It is sexier.

If I could crank one out to a half naked jew nailed to a piece of wood, then hey, hallelujah. Unfortunately, another score for porn, because I'd rather watch Belladonna take a load to the face. If Joyce Meyer is ready to go down the raunchy road, I'll think about tuning in to god's go to people.

4. Fits to my schedule.

I know theres probably a trillion different "servants of god" parading about with their happy flags of divinity, hissing praise for the almighty at the camera as a bunch of rednecks that just finished having sex with their cousins are agreeing with the fact that the world is a spiral of sin, but if I turn on the t.v. for one instant and I'm not happy with what I see, I want to be able to communicate with god my own way. Ejaculating. If there was a t.v. channel with 24/7 televangelism, then I'd be bored. I'm not always just whackin' it with ol' lefty
here. (Yes, I'm left handed.) I also divide my time playing video games and whackin' it with ol' righty.

5. Porno agrees with my viewpoints more.

"Oh, you wanna go down on me baby? Cool, cool. Yeah." I can agree with that.

"Rock and Roll is the devil's music!" Not so much, no. Sorry Jerry Lee Lewis's insignificant cousin. Hey, didn't you preach all sorts of things about sex in god's eyes blah blah blah but then get caught with a hooker, not once, but twice? If I'm wrong, it's because it was more than twice. Have fun calling me out on that one.

6. The whole gay thing.

You see, I'm not gay. I don't care; if girls wanna scissor and guys wanna put their dicks in each other, good for them, leave me out of it. (The whole lesbian thing, just not into it. Because it might be two women, but they aren't thinking about a guy's dick. Guess who has a dick? Me. A guy.) If I accidentally turn on a porno with a misleading title, (Jakes Big Cock adventure. I assume it's about Jake and his cock boning a bunch of clichly hot women. Oh, no. No no no.) then I can turn it off. But if I'm watching some fire imbued pastor go off about how gays are all going to be burning in hell, they're going to go on about it for a long, long time. Hurry up with it, I already know all the humane ways Christians should dispose of gays with by torture. 

7. Easier to dress for the occasion.

If I where watching ANYTHING about religion in the nude, I'd feel very uncomfortable. Yes, assuringly I'd be alone. If I had a lady friend cool enough to watch porn with me, she'd probably be cool enough to actually be having sex with me, kind of voiding the need to watch porn or things about god on t.v. Besides, god gifted me with the birthday suit, anyways.

8. Boobs

Either you be a woman who can admire, or a man who can admire, (with an erection) boobs are great. They're just fantastic. Fucking awesome. Small, big, perfect, hideously grotesque. Boobs. Boobs boobs fucking boobs. God I love boobs. God probably loves boobs too, and thusly made them so kick ass. I've yet to see one uncovered set of glowing cleavage on the stage of a live sermon. Not one. 

So with that being said, I hope you all enjoy your mornings and/or evenings and/or I stopped caring already.

~Xavier R.

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