Saturday, October 3, 2015

War Is Inevitable

Fire falls from the skies
A child's blood flows in view
The one we called God dies
Now just the radiated few

Gasoline or money
Ain't it so funny
Probably for a bitch
That universal itch

We want it all as the entitled
Center of it all in the back end
A glowing band at an ash recital
Take the young for a field to send

It's all clever
Let's live forever
Gimme gold
Getting bold

Anger and hate
Anger and hate
Anger and hate
Anger and hate

A sociopath's dance party...

War is inevitable

Friday, October 2, 2015

The Godless Coin...dat ass doe

I keep hearing a lot about how all of the more tragic things keep occurring in the world because of someones extremism. I try to ignore most of it, because I just like watching movies and listening to music. However, a lot of the time it gets shoved into my face. That is when I become bothered.

Yeah yeah I know, The United States has become a utopia of butt fucking, nigger loving,atheist,baby killing, socialist Muslim, Mexican immigrants, but hey, wasn't it always? Yet here we are, the largest sect of individuals in the country feel that they are being discriminated against, and marginalized, when in truth all it is is that the playing field is slowing just being evened out.

 Now that the center of the world belongs to and increasingly higher amount of fringe individuals, people, doesn't mean you need to be worries.

Or maybe be a little worried. Unless you have bubblegum. Everyone likes bubblegum.

I keep trying to act like I am a busy individual. But in truth, it's a series of events that prevent me from doing the dishes. Fuck the dishes.

Fuck them.

Pan - The Veils

The Choice Is Yours - Black Sheep

Layla - Eric Clapton

Give It Away Now - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Heads Will Roll (A-Trak Remix) - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Puppets that hate each other

After much publicity, a couple of speeches, and a behind the scenes meetings, the two gentlemen, of whom are controlled by private interests of severe cases of sociopathy, also in control of the two most lethal military forces the world has ever seen, still, well, hate each other, and disagree on just about everything. Except a few "key points."

Those key points?

Um...kill the bad guys?

Yeah, no shit.

Idea of who the bad guys are may differ

Don't worry ladies and gents. Between these two men, we could destroy the world many, MANY times over. Yes, I said "we." Unity already.

Lets celebrate!

Who Did You Think I Was? - John Mayer Trio

Born To Be Wild - Steppenwolf

Sweet Emotion - Aerosmith

Da Mystery Of Chessboxin - Wu-Tang Clan

Love Will Find You - Journey

Monday, September 28, 2015

5 songs of apocalypse (VIDEO!)

Here's an original video made by yours truly. The plan is to make these as often as possible, I'll be making lists, media critiques and laughing at idiots. Fun times to be had by most! The plan is to keep up blog posts, obviously, but hopefully this leads to some great stuff in the future.

My dear friends,

The icecaps have melted, flooding all our farmland with salt water. All the forests are on fire and the ash chokes out the sky and kills the animals. Roaming packs of cannibals search the wasteland for survivors to rape and to murder. Asteroids fall from the sky.  Nuclear power plants melt down and bridges crumble across the land under the weight of disintegrating infrastructure. Shit's bad, but at least we can still still listen to music.

I'm Big Mike and I have 5 of my favorite songs about the apocalypse.

Big Mike

Friday, September 25, 2015

Lets talk about World Star.

If I was a catholic I would be a sinner, but because I don't believe in sin I'll just settle for being a bad person. You see, I've been indulging a very guilty pleasure and I think I should come clean to you, my gentle reader.

I watch street fight compilations on YouTube.

Not just one or two, either. I can watch these for hours. I get a visceral thrill out of watching people who can't fight professionally beat the fuck out of one another. Sucker punches, head kicks, three-on-ones, hair pulling, bitch-slapping and body slams: I can't get enough. My higher minded self is disgusted but my lizard brain gobbles it up like violence flavored candy.

Despite my misgivings I know that violence as entertainment has been a thing since the dawn of man. The Romans had Gladiators, Boxing has been an Olympic sport since 688 BC and Takeshi's castle caused much hilarious bodily harm for a whole 4 years. The thrill you get from seeing people hurt each other is self evident, I think everyone enjoys it to a degree. It's wired into our very chimp DNA.

Why then do I feel so bad about enjoying World Star? One: although I think the practice of fighting as sport is respectable, or even commendable, the people in these videos are not athletes. Two: these people fighting in Section 8 or in the club or in front of a Wendy's, to say the least, are not in a great place in their lives. A lot of pleasure I derive here is schadenfreude, or for the German challenged, a joy in the suffering of others.

These people (most of the time they're grown adults) are beating the shit out of each other, risking life-threatening injury for trivial things. Whether it be theft of money or romantic partner, someone saying something racist, drunk people being drunk or just some good old-fashioned stripper drama the reasons for these street brawls seem all too sad. One particular episode in particular (Video below, 12:44 minute mark) sticks out as something that feels too pathetic to be put in a snappy little YouTube video for my entertainment.

But hey, I guess if everyone had adult conflict resolution skills there wouldn't be any these videos for me to gawk at.

If you're feeling like assuaging guilt like me, lets play my patented Big Mike's World Star Hip Hop Drinking Game!

Warning! This game is going to go fast, you're going to get very drunk very quickly. I recommend no more the 3 fifteen minute rounds of this fabulous Big Mike's World Star Hip Hop Drinking Game.

Every time someone screams "World Star!" more then twice, take a shot.
Every time someone takes off their shirt, take a shot.
Every time the guy talking mad shit gets knocked out immediately, take a shot.
Every time someone says "You got knocked the fuck out!" take a shot.
When white people say "Nigga", take a shot.
When white people say "Nigger", take two shots.
Every time a third party gets involved halfway through a fight, take a shot.
Every time someone gets sucker-punched out cold, take a shot.
 When strippers start fighting, it's a party and you need to swap seats with the person to your right, take a shot.
Every time the fight is between a man and a woman, take a shot.
When a weave gets pulled out, take a shot.
When a woman body slams another woman, take a shot.
When a titty falls out of a torn top, take two shots.

Happy hip-hopping, sinners!
Big Mike.

Don't hate the player, REALLY hate the player

So, I was pretty excited when NBC announced their new Vegas drama with Wesley Snipes. The man is coming back. Yes! (or so I thought)

Without any spoilers, I can give you my problems with the very first (and I hope last) episode of this piece of garbage.

It opens up with Wesley, looking all bad ass standing over a dead person, in a fancy suit talking on the phone, being ready to fuck more shit up. No, that is not a problem. What became a problem, was that despite him being the center piece of the promos, it took forever to get back to him.

Next, the story was approached with shoddy, quick direction, and with character interaction that was uncomfortably too familiar too quickly.

Besides the actors failing to live up to their job title, the characters developed and the plot (or lack there of? its hard to really pin point it) unfolded far too quickly as well, causing confusion before anything could come to make sense.

It was so bad, I had to shut it off before I could finish it. And mind you, without seeing Mr. Snipes on the screen, even one more time.

Wesley, stop putting your god damn name on things. I know you need that cash money to feed your hot Asian wife. But c'mon, read the fucking script first.

Why Blade? Whyyyyyyyyy!!!?!?!??!

Don't worry though. What did I turn my attention to right after?

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Slammin' that pope dope

As a former practicing Catholic, I can admit that I do find it refreshing that the new Pope is getting the world to re-engage with a lot of genuine issues, such as remembering the homeless and the poor, acknowledging climate change, and so forth.

What is sickening to me, however, is that all of the concepts that he is going on about have been legitimate concepts for a very long time, and all he is saying is"lets just not be bastards." And people are going fucking nuts like these things have never been thought before.

We would also do well to remember that he is a religious leader, and a head of state. As is a revolving door, he will suck everyone into the fold, and then its the same control, over and over.

Don't worry. If you can't tithe with money, you can do so with blood.

Don't forget your friends. Little Jimmy and Sally are going, too.

But alas, all frustrations can be cured with the true religion.


Inner Universe - Yoko Kano & Origa

Cutting Crew - Died in your arms

Tank! - The Seatbelts

Midnight in Tokyo - Y&T

Soy Yo - Bomba Estereo

Aaaaaand, I'm gone.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

I can't wait to eat this spaghetti

Hello. As of late, (and as of always) I have a rotating door of songs that are bouncing around in my sweet, tender human brain. Well god damn it, I feel like you should hear these songs. I

Jesus Christ Pose - Soundgarden

Hey Mami - Sylvan Esso

Jigsaw Falling Into Place - Radiohead

Killer Is Me - Alice in Chains

You Really Got Me Now - The Kinks

Yes, it is hump day...but what KIND of hump? 

So the pope is visiting. Hide your sons. No no! I mean, your money. Wait no, I mean...never mind.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

A president for your thoughts?

So you survived the first part of Mike's surreal adventure into blood and pain. Well done. So if you are done vomiting your mind out your rectum, I'd like you to continue to keep your mind buckets ready, more to come for sure.

Any-who, I'm finding it hard to ignore all of the coverage of the oversaturated pool for republican candidates for U.S. president. So I chiseled it down a bit. I am very aware of the fact that the best way to make something go away is to ignore it, however I'd be more keen to just make fun of them as well. So I will give what I feel is the reason why they have the backing that they do have from republicans, and then I will give my opinion.

Note: I am an independent, with the occasional siding with either primary parties on certain policies. Once the democrats take more headlines, I shall harass they asses as well, don't worry, cry babies.

Jeb Bush
Republican Take - Yeehaw another Bush. Now that's a name I'm use to.
My Take - He knows how to fudge numbers on economic growth by not tossing in population changes. Also, while one shouldn't be chastised because of their own family, its hard to say that bred politicians wont be a repeating thing.
Ben Carson
Republican Take - Christian? Check. Talks shit to Obama? Check. Doctor so we can say he's a smart person? Check. Is black so we can say we aren't racist? Check mate.
My Take - He needs to leave religion out of everything if he is going to be looking over a country comprised of many of them. Also, for a doctor, he sure has a lot of cockamamie ideas about gays and vaccinations. 
Chris Christie
Republican Take - He worked as a republican in a primarily democratic state! He must be able to beat the odds! Plus, he hates marijuana! Marijuana leads to pre-marital butt sex and meth addiction!
My Take - I imagine he wants to keep all the weed to himself, which is why his fat ass can eat so many double cheeseburgers. You do want to make it illegal federally, but then don't want to only when people, consisting of (calculates) no one, has ever died from it? Stop trying to beat around the bush. And fuck Obama? Yeah, that guy you were hugging while you took all those photo ops?
Ted Cruz
Republican Take - Yes! Finally, someone who will remove all the social programs in place which keep us healthy, fed, and educated because DEMORATS put them in place originally.
My Take - Eh, fuck him.
Carly Fiorina
Republican Take - We need a strong, warhawk woman who will stand up for her beliefs! Down with Obama! Down with planned parenthood!
My Take - Besides lying about PP policies, and also on the whole controversy of the content of the  videos to begin with, its easy to get a bunch of ultra conservatives riled up. Also, you want to build a bajillion new warships and submarines and war planes for what? Peace keeping?
Mike Huckabee
Republican Take - We need to ignore separation of church and state to let these blasphemers in the U.S. and the rest of the world; Its either Jesus's way, or the highway.
My Take - The type of people who would vote for this man are the Christian equivalent of Isis, and if they could get away with it, kill everything that wasn't white, straight, and Christian (all the while being huge, fat, stinking hypocrites.). Luckily we live in a society to where killing non-believers is actually illegal, and a majority of people who at least think purges are wrong. 
Rand Paul
Republican Take - Government is evil! Ewww!
My Take - If government is so god damn evil, why is he in it? Its just to protect the people? Then shouldn't we just have militias?
Marco Rubio
Republican Take - He is engaged and wants to repeal everything Obama! Also, will keep us in our manufacturing jobs! Who needs those pesky enviromental policies, anyways?
My Take - He is a very engaged, articulate individual, thats for sure. But someone so quick to pander to the mob for political favor shouldn't stand so well. And he wants to keep people in their jobs? Want to know what else takes peoples jobs?
The end of the world.
Donald Trump
Republican Take - Finally, someone who speaks the truth, and is angry about all the same things we are. Also, he's famous. You can trust famous people. He is so on our level.
My Take - Anyone who thinks a media personality billionaire whose whole career has been specifically about vanity, popularity, and money, suddenly wants to only be for the people and the well being of the of the middle class, is fucking retarded. Plain and simple. He has given no feasible plans to achieve anything he claims, and, to top off the cake, is a fucking bigot.

Good luck America.

We'll need it.