Friday, September 25, 2015

Lets talk about World Star.

If I was a catholic I would be a sinner, but because I don't believe in sin I'll just settle for being a bad person. You see, I've been indulging a very guilty pleasure and I think I should come clean to you, my gentle reader.

I watch street fight compilations on YouTube.

Not just one or two, either. I can watch these for hours. I get a visceral thrill out of watching people who can't fight professionally beat the fuck out of one another. Sucker punches, head kicks, three-on-ones, hair pulling, bitch-slapping and body slams: I can't get enough. My higher minded self is disgusted but my lizard brain gobbles it up like violence flavored candy.

Despite my misgivings I know that violence as entertainment has been a thing since the dawn of man. The Romans had Gladiators, Boxing has been an Olympic sport since 688 BC and Takeshi's castle caused much hilarious bodily harm for a whole 4 years. The thrill you get from seeing people hurt each other is self evident, I think everyone enjoys it to a degree. It's wired into our very chimp DNA.

Why then do I feel so bad about enjoying World Star? One: although I think the practice of fighting as sport is respectable, or even commendable, the people in these videos are not athletes. Two: these people fighting in Section 8 or in the club or in front of a Wendy's, to say the least, are not in a great place in their lives. A lot of pleasure I derive here is schadenfreude, or for the German challenged, a joy in the suffering of others.

These people (most of the time they're grown adults) are beating the shit out of each other, risking life-threatening injury for trivial things. Whether it be theft of money or romantic partner, someone saying something racist, drunk people being drunk or just some good old-fashioned stripper drama the reasons for these street brawls seem all too sad. One particular episode in particular (Video below, 12:44 minute mark) sticks out as something that feels too pathetic to be put in a snappy little YouTube video for my entertainment.

But hey, I guess if everyone had adult conflict resolution skills there wouldn't be any these videos for me to gawk at.

If you're feeling like assuaging guilt like me, lets play my patented Big Mike's World Star Hip Hop Drinking Game!

Warning! This game is going to go fast, you're going to get very drunk very quickly. I recommend no more the 3 fifteen minute rounds of this fabulous Big Mike's World Star Hip Hop Drinking Game.

Every time someone screams "World Star!" more then twice, take a shot.
Every time someone takes off their shirt, take a shot.
Every time the guy talking mad shit gets knocked out immediately, take a shot.
Every time someone says "You got knocked the fuck out!" take a shot.
When white people say "Nigga", take a shot.
When white people say "Nigger", take two shots.
Every time a third party gets involved halfway through a fight, take a shot.
Every time someone gets sucker-punched out cold, take a shot.
 When strippers start fighting, it's a party and you need to swap seats with the person to your right, take a shot.
Every time the fight is between a man and a woman, take a shot.
When a weave gets pulled out, take a shot.
When a woman body slams another woman, take a shot.
When a titty falls out of a torn top, take two shots.

Happy hip-hopping, sinners!
Big Mike.

Don't hate the player, REALLY hate the player

So, I was pretty excited when NBC announced their new Vegas drama with Wesley Snipes. The man is coming back. Yes! (or so I thought)

Without any spoilers, I can give you my problems with the very first (and I hope last) episode of this piece of garbage.

It opens up with Wesley, looking all bad ass standing over a dead person, in a fancy suit talking on the phone, being ready to fuck more shit up. No, that is not a problem. What became a problem, was that despite him being the center piece of the promos, it took forever to get back to him.

Next, the story was approached with shoddy, quick direction, and with character interaction that was uncomfortably too familiar too quickly.

Besides the actors failing to live up to their job title, the characters developed and the plot (or lack there of? its hard to really pin point it) unfolded far too quickly as well, causing confusion before anything could come to make sense.

It was so bad, I had to shut it off before I could finish it. And mind you, without seeing Mr. Snipes on the screen, even one more time.

Wesley, stop putting your god damn name on things. I know you need that cash money to feed your hot Asian wife. But c'mon, read the fucking script first.

Why Blade? Whyyyyyyyyy!!!?!?!??!

Don't worry though. What did I turn my attention to right after?

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Slammin' that pope dope

As a former practicing Catholic, I can admit that I do find it refreshing that the new Pope is getting the world to re-engage with a lot of genuine issues, such as remembering the homeless and the poor, acknowledging climate change, and so forth.

What is sickening to me, however, is that all of the concepts that he is going on about have been legitimate concepts for a very long time, and all he is saying is"lets just not be bastards." And people are going fucking nuts like these things have never been thought before.

We would also do well to remember that he is a religious leader, and a head of state. As is a revolving door, he will suck everyone into the fold, and then its the same control, over and over.

Don't worry. If you can't tithe with money, you can do so with blood.

Don't forget your friends. Little Jimmy and Sally are going, too.

But alas, all frustrations can be cured with the true religion.


Inner Universe - Yoko Kano & Origa

Cutting Crew - Died in your arms

Tank! - The Seatbelts

Midnight in Tokyo - Y&T

Soy Yo - Bomba Estereo

Aaaaaand, I'm gone.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

I can't wait to eat this spaghetti

Hello. As of late, (and as of always) I have a rotating door of songs that are bouncing around in my sweet, tender human brain. Well god damn it, I feel like you should hear these songs. I

Jesus Christ Pose - Soundgarden

Hey Mami - Sylvan Esso

Jigsaw Falling Into Place - Radiohead

Killer Is Me - Alice in Chains

You Really Got Me Now - The Kinks

Yes, it is hump day...but what KIND of hump? 

So the pope is visiting. Hide your sons. No no! I mean, your money. Wait no, I mean...never mind.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

A president for your thoughts?

So you survived the first part of Mike's surreal adventure into blood and pain. Well done. So if you are done vomiting your mind out your rectum, I'd like you to continue to keep your mind buckets ready, more to come for sure.

Any-who, I'm finding it hard to ignore all of the coverage of the oversaturated pool for republican candidates for U.S. president. So I chiseled it down a bit. I am very aware of the fact that the best way to make something go away is to ignore it, however I'd be more keen to just make fun of them as well. So I will give what I feel is the reason why they have the backing that they do have from republicans, and then I will give my opinion.

Note: I am an independent, with the occasional siding with either primary parties on certain policies. Once the democrats take more headlines, I shall harass they asses as well, don't worry, cry babies.

Jeb Bush
Republican Take - Yeehaw another Bush. Now that's a name I'm use to.
My Take - He knows how to fudge numbers on economic growth by not tossing in population changes. Also, while one shouldn't be chastised because of their own family, its hard to say that bred politicians wont be a repeating thing.
Ben Carson
Republican Take - Christian? Check. Talks shit to Obama? Check. Doctor so we can say he's a smart person? Check. Is black so we can say we aren't racist? Check mate.
My Take - He needs to leave religion out of everything if he is going to be looking over a country comprised of many of them. Also, for a doctor, he sure has a lot of cockamamie ideas about gays and vaccinations. 
Chris Christie
Republican Take - He worked as a republican in a primarily democratic state! He must be able to beat the odds! Plus, he hates marijuana! Marijuana leads to pre-marital butt sex and meth addiction!
My Take - I imagine he wants to keep all the weed to himself, which is why his fat ass can eat so many double cheeseburgers. You do want to make it illegal federally, but then don't want to only when people, consisting of (calculates) no one, has ever died from it? Stop trying to beat around the bush. And fuck Obama? Yeah, that guy you were hugging while you took all those photo ops?
Ted Cruz
Republican Take - Yes! Finally, someone who will remove all the social programs in place which keep us healthy, fed, and educated because DEMORATS put them in place originally.
My Take - Eh, fuck him.
Carly Fiorina
Republican Take - We need a strong, warhawk woman who will stand up for her beliefs! Down with Obama! Down with planned parenthood!
My Take - Besides lying about PP policies, and also on the whole controversy of the content of the  videos to begin with, its easy to get a bunch of ultra conservatives riled up. Also, you want to build a bajillion new warships and submarines and war planes for what? Peace keeping?
Mike Huckabee
Republican Take - We need to ignore separation of church and state to let these blasphemers in the U.S. and the rest of the world; Its either Jesus's way, or the highway.
My Take - The type of people who would vote for this man are the Christian equivalent of Isis, and if they could get away with it, kill everything that wasn't white, straight, and Christian (all the while being huge, fat, stinking hypocrites.). Luckily we live in a society to where killing non-believers is actually illegal, and a majority of people who at least think purges are wrong. 
Rand Paul
Republican Take - Government is evil! Ewww!
My Take - If government is so god damn evil, why is he in it? Its just to protect the people? Then shouldn't we just have militias?
Marco Rubio
Republican Take - He is engaged and wants to repeal everything Obama! Also, will keep us in our manufacturing jobs! Who needs those pesky enviromental policies, anyways?
My Take - He is a very engaged, articulate individual, thats for sure. But someone so quick to pander to the mob for political favor shouldn't stand so well. And he wants to keep people in their jobs? Want to know what else takes peoples jobs?
The end of the world.
Donald Trump
Republican Take - Finally, someone who speaks the truth, and is angry about all the same things we are. Also, he's famous. You can trust famous people. He is so on our level.
My Take - Anyone who thinks a media personality billionaire whose whole career has been specifically about vanity, popularity, and money, suddenly wants to only be for the people and the well being of the of the middle class, is fucking retarded. Plain and simple. He has given no feasible plans to achieve anything he claims, and, to top off the cake, is a fucking bigot.

Good luck America.

We'll need it.

Monday, September 21, 2015

The Holy Mountain Saga: The Parade of Blood and Teeth, part 1

Mathew heard of Mount Vernon on one of those list websites, you know the ones right? They meter out “articles” featuring top ten lists of out-there government conspiracy theories, first hand accounts of alien abduction and haunted places. All covered in blinking adverts for gold and emergency food stores. It had been weeks since he'd written anything for the admittedly low-rent, buzzy, website of my own and was getting desperate looking for anything that might get more traffic to his blog about the curious and mysterious. Then there it was; “The Ten most mysterious disappearances in small town history.” Not surprisingly, this click-bait misrepresented how “Mysterious” these disappearances were, though still remarkable in their own way, anything but mysterious. Then there was the haunting story of the vanishing town of Mount Vernon.
Local legend has it that during the depression all the towns people marched like a parade into the thick forest surrounding the secluded hamlet. Whilst singing, dancing and beating drums all 800 men, women and children left what they were doing at the time and followed holy mountain road; the main thoroughfare until it became a dark, winding forest trail. None of them were ever seen alive again. When folks from the neighboring towns got curious why Mount Vernon became silent over night they came to investigate. Confetti and red white and blue banners littered the streets, and the more the search party went up the forest trail, the less debris of a manically impromptu parade they found. Instead they started to discover blood splattered liberally across the forest and little white teeth gleaming among the rocks and the sand of the trail. The posse that came looking for the missing towns people were so shaken by this discovery that they declined to go further along the holy mountain trail. They reasoned that whatever happened to them, they were gone and going any further to find out why would only make them gone too. They reasoned there was no use dwelling on it.
 Meanwhile there was an immaculate, if somewhat eerie abandoned town for them to use. Mount Vernon was a beautiful little town on fertile land in a serene woodland setting. The people who now occupy Mt.Vernon do their best to keep the parade of blood and teeth a secret, but there will always be whispers.
Or so the article told Mathew. Needless to say his bullshit alarm was going off as hard as it could. If all 800 people left the town in an ecstatic parade ending in violence disappearance, how do they know they were singing and dancing while they did it? Why did this gang of real estate opportunists follow the trail until the point when this possessed 800 started pulling out their own teeth and not go further? And if they were so spooked, why did they stay? Obviously he was incredulous. But the story was too weird to not keep him interested.
As it turns out, there are Mount Vernon's all over America but the one in question was in my own backyard. Funny, he thought, I've never heard any of this before. Resolute, he packed himself some food and got into his beat up step-side. Holy mountain road forks off from a nearby interstate after about an hour and Mathew figured by the end of the day he'd be close to cracking the most exciting story he's ever done. About 40 minutes into his drive, as his exhilaration was at fever pitch, he began to sing the first song that came to mind. He usually did this when he was excited, but this time was different. The song that was coming out of his mouth had an ominous, maybe even sinister under tone to it. “Road to Nowhere” by the Talking Heads. Mathew thought it was more and more fitting considering what he was going to investigate, and when he got to to “Maybe they'll wonder where you are, I don't care” he could imagine the entire town dancing in rows, pliers in their hands, singing we're on a road to nowhere! We're on a road to nowhere! We're on a road to nowhere! Soon, they'd get too tired to sing, as the road gave way to a dark, dirt path. And soon after that they'd start pulling their own teeth out. The ones strong enough to anyway. I imagine the children needed help. The thought was sickening but he couldn't stop singing this song, There's a city in my mind, come along and take that ride, It's very far away but it's growing day by day.
Mathew nearly missed his turn off onto Holy Mountain road zoning on the empy highway infront of him and by the rain now falling heavily on his windshield. Gladly after I saw the little sign he was transfixed. The woods walled the narrow two lane country road like two green, moss filled curtains, too thick to see more than a few yards into. the road shot straight for what seemed like miles and miles, up to a mountain that he hadn't noticed before. Picturesque in it's luscious green surroundings, the mountain stood plump and flat at the top. You must be Holy Mountain Mathew pondered to himself. I wonder where you've been hiding all this time.
The rain got heavier as he drove down the road. his hands tingled, pins and needles on his steering wheel and as he glanced at the ever thickening tree cover on the sides of the narrow road Mathew was brought back to his childhood. He could remember going on road trips with his mom and step dad and he'd watch the green rush by, he'd wonder what was on the other side of those woods, what was just out of sight. Mathew thought there must have been fairies, trolls and monsters living their enchanted lives just far enough away from his step father's sedan to stay out of sight. Mathew could remember looking at my step dad. He had that look on his face staring at the rearview mirror. The one he could almost mistake for him concentrating on what was behind us, but he knew. His brow was furrowed, his nostrils flared, he would look right at Mathew. Mathew knew his step father hated him, resented that Mathew was part of his marriage. The feeling of guilt and unfairness was bubbling in Mathew's gut when he noticed the shape in the road. He had been distracted, but he could have sworn in the split second decision to swerve out of the way that it wasn't running from the treeline to in front of his truck, but had just appeared there. Whatever the shape was, whether man or animal, wherever it came from, Mathew managed to not hit it, instead putting his truck in the ditch and slamming the bridge of his nose into my steering wheel.

Mathew must have only been out a couple minutes, but when he came to the near torrential rainfall had all but ceased. He spun his wheels in vain and decided to get out. The road was empty in both directions for miles. There was nothing but the road and the trees that loomed foreboding over it. He walked on the asphalt under the oppressively overcast sky for a while, maybe half a mile or so before he saw a trail running off the road. Mathew looked again at the direction he was headed originally, and saw nothing leading to the flat mountain looming in the distance. No sign that Mount Vernon was even close, and this scenic route into the woods seemed traveled enough that it might have been a locally known shortcut, at least it would lead to a house he thought. Mathew began to walk down a few hundred yards before he felt it. A weird feeling, an unsettling energy about the woods. It felt like a vacuum. Instead of raining, it felt as if water was being sucked up into the sky. The further he got the more it felt like water was being wicked off of him. Mathew wasn't getting any drier, in fact he was as wet and cold as he could ever remember being then the uneasiness gave way to a horrible feeling in his stomach as he failed to reconcile being dry before the crash and being so inexplicably wet and miserable. Mathew instinctively checked his watch as if he was waiting on something, and saw that it had stopped at 6:30. He looked up and what he saw was an affront to all of his senses. Seemingly out of nowhere was a clearing in the trees, something Mathew couldn't have missed walking up towards, and yet there it was as if it was dropped in front of him as he checked his watch. In the clearing of evergreen pines and firs was a perfect circle of these ghastly bare branch monstrosities. They didn't even really look like trees. They looked more like giant skeletons reaching towards the sky, writhing, screaming in pain, imitating trees. The leafless bark was black as burnt motor oil. Mathew counted them in their perfect symmetry, each one uglier and more offensive then the last. 18.
In the dead center was a well. Even though the smell of rotting meat had Mathew gagging, he couldn't help but move towards it. An uncontrollable, morbid curiosity possessed him to look inside it. At first it looked black, like paint. He couldn't see his reflection in the putrid water. He caught the reflection of the moon which shined red in his face. It's blood! he screamed silently in my skull, It's fucking blood! He threw himself away from the well only to feel a fresh sickening disorientation as his surroundings changed without warning again. Where there was a trail behind him and nothing but trees surrounding; Mathew now saw over the well, past the line of horror-trees an A-frame cabin.
The A-frame was built with logs, like a cabin, but the wood exterior was pitch black like it was built out of those nightmare shaped trees. In the one window an eerie red light shone onto to the circle of trees. Mathew squinted, and could see more clearly the shape from the road, now bathed in alien red light. It was human, or at least vaguely human shaped, it had it's scoliosis warped back to him as it inhumanly climbed the steps up to the black cabin. He could see it's warped, ghoulish form underneath a cloak of barely opaque cloth jerk its far-too-long, far-too-skinny limbs in insect like spasms as it climbed on all fours towards the doorway of the cabin. The door opened of its own volition, the horrible red light nearly blindingly bright and the creature twitched in. The door slammed behind it, loud as a gun shot.
Mathew wanted nothing more to turn around and run, to go back to the muddy ditch my truck was in, but he couldn't. He couldn't summon the will power to even move his head. He knew there wouldn't even be a path anymore behind me anymore. He rationalized, pleaded with himself to make sense of what he was doing. He was following the path up to the red and sinister windows of the black cabin. He felt lighter and lighter the closer he got to it, and after a while it felt as if he wasn't even moving his feet. If only he could have looked away from the glaring red light, he'd surely see he was floating. As it was, Mathew was mere feet away from the entrance. He could hear skittering and scuttling from behind the black door. He couldn't see anything through the oppressively bright red light coming from the two windows on either side of the door. 
They were two infinity scrutinizing eyes, with the gravity, power and malice of dying stars. Mathew knew at once the windows weren't meant to show him what was inside, but to look inside him. The eyes beckoned Mathew to climb inside it's mouth. He reached for the door handle.

3 3 3 3 3 3

Part 2

Well, wasn't that fun? That was the first part of what I hope will be many involving our intrepid blogger as he uncovers the horrifying secrets of Mount Vernon, a seemingly quiet town in the middle of a deep dark forest.

So, for you wondering just what the fuck I've been doing for the last few years: I'd been living in a mist of bong smoke and sadness, trying to live a meager existence within meager means I've been too angry at myself to feel creative. Now my situation has changed and my juices are yet again flowing. I'm ready to bottle my juices, and hand the moist bottles to you.

And on that note, I shouldn't promise anything but I'd like to add to this story every two weeks and do little things here and there in between. One day, I hope to record this all as a bitchin' free audio book (or podcast) and make you hard copy worthy of your book shelves.

Another thing I've done is got on twitter, by all means bug me at @BigMikeMcCormah

Big Mike.  

NOTICE OF CHANGES - I edited this chapter to be in the third person instead of the first because I decided to tell the story through multiple perspectives. It would make me feel icky if I wrote one character in first and the others in third even if he might be the main character.

Uh, hello?

There may be a few questions for us I imagine, for any of you fine people still out there aware of us. The biggest one would likely be where have we been?

I have a very simple answer for the two primary blog contributors.

I have been taking a very long shit. And Michael? Well, he has been enjoying coitus with the matriarch of your family. 

Now that we are finished with our respective outside issues, we are back in full blast. Or at least until I need to take another shit, in which Ill see you again when we have colonized mars.

So, I would like to touch on a few primary issues we may have missed discussion on.

Black guy is still president.

Dudes are chicks now (and that's ok)

Movies still suck.

Music still sucks.

Video games still suck.

You suck.

I suck.

That's about it. Thanks. 

Oh, and the whole anti vaxxer movement. You all suck especially. My two cents, which I never had a chance to share with you;

As humans grow past the norms of sustainable evolution, we are required to create things to survive. too many genetic variables exist for our species to be able to live off of solely organically grown/raised food. The same is to be said about vaccines.

We have been gifted with the capability to use imagination and science. If we didn't use these things, we'd have no artistic expression, and we'd have no lift past 35. So when we have, in our resources, something that will not only protect us, but by proxy others, I believe it isn't only our right to vaccinate our young, but our duty. 

So having hardly founded statistics based off of increasingly unrealistic ratios, not factoring other occurrences that could impact our youth, to keep them from being protected, is bullshit. Vaccines save lives. Always have. 

So stop with your uninformed bullshit, and/or your hipster garbage, and be responsible.

Anyways, as drab and sarcastic as ever, I am back to share words of...worddom?