Saturday, April 23, 2011

Can you feel it?

The season is in for the usual suspects in the world of art. Studios bursting at the seams with fresh new...are you listening? No? That's cool I guess. I wasn't expecting a bunch of flibbertigibbets and mongoloids to soak up higher echelon fickleness. It's all the same you know. Even the repeated cliche' words I use to describe being disenfranchised. Oooh, oooh, eureka orgasm. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could use silly things as PARAGRAPH FILLER, NYUCCA?

Just use the internet for everything. Don't search manually, building pride, character, and strength. "Google" it, and you can know things. Sure, you don't learn anything, but you know everything.

Don't you fret

Where did this turn of subtle cynicism come from? Why, my ice cold blacked soul, where kittens and unicorns go to share love in a hedonistic pit of blood and shit. Ah ha. HA HA. HA HA. Resistance is futile.


~Xavier R.

p.s. This ramen, it is THE SEX!

Fist Fucking Dingle Berries!

I am an anarchist; this is often misconstrued as a state of chaos and civil unrest and a complete lack of regard for anyone and anything. I’m here to tell you that if you believe that you’re a fucking retarded space biscuit. A state of anarchy is simply a lack of authority i.e. no cops, no politicians, no anybody telling you what is or is not. It is a self-governed society making conscious decisions for the betterment of life. So read this.

"We don't need government
We need utilities.
Air, water, energy
Travel and communication means
Food and shelter.

We have no need for imaginary mountain ranges
Between separate nations.

We can make tunnels through the real ones.

Nor do we have any need for the continuing division of people
Into those who have what they need
And those who don't.

Both Fuller and Marshal McLuhan
Knew, furthermore
That work is now obsolete.
We have invented machines to do it for us.

Now that we have no need to do anything
What shall we do?

Looking at Fuller's geodesic world map
We see that the Earth is a single island, Oahu.
We must give all the people all they need to live
In any way they wish.

Our present laws protect the rich from the poor.

If there are to be laws, we need ones that
Begin with the acceptance of poverty as a way of life.

We must make the world safe for poverty Without dependence on government."

- John Cage


p.s. fuck a pig

Daddy, what does regret mean?

You're welcome

Big Mike.

Enjoy this day

have a listen. No postscript

~Xavier R.

Rage: Robert Pattinson 3 - the final rage.

As I told you guys earlier, Pattinson is in the forerunning for being Tetsuo in the new Akira movie. What I alluded to at the end of that debacle was that he was also the first choice of a certain Courtney Love to play her husband in a Biopic. How gay is that? Not the good kind of Las Vegas gay, either.

I can't even tell the difference!

Can you imagine that, how horrible that would be? Can you imagine your 12 year old cousin wearing nirvana t-shirts? Or buying the bizarro world Nirvana album they'll call a Soundtrack, the one where Robert Pattinson is the vocalist? No, I'd rather fucking not.
Good thing this movie looks fucking DOA, right folks? Here's a musical biopic he should make, one deserving of his acting talents, one based on a living musical legend.

It's Big Mike, Bitch.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Your brevity makes me feel paranoid (stolen line from a "conversation" I had with a lady)

Nothing like the deadpan musings of Steven Wright during a conversation that isn't happening. Where am I?

~Xavier R.

p.s. When I was in Seattle, I bought the complete works of H.P. Lovecraft in a leather bound book with gilded pages. Next up, some Edgar Allen Poe and additional darkness with a dash of snobbery.

Why so mad?

Not even light can escape.

Though I had a great deal of fun meandering about Seattle and it's outlying areas, I came to see how angry and instinctively soulless people can be when too many other people are around them. Take for example the teenage blonde girl that came barreling into my chest because I wouldn't scoot over, even though I was as far right as safety in a crosswalk would allow. Unapologetic, the bitch just kept walking. It wasn't too long until I noticed that everyone was like that in the street.

After a couple of hours, I caved, and let that bit of my polite self to the wind. Regardless of fearing I would lose karma, I let myself wince internally as I just walked straight into the masses. At the very last moment, people gave way and went around me, with barely an inch of leeway.

Beyond this, everyone just seemed unnecessarily hostile. I understand having a physical or metaphysical bubble surrounding yourself and your friends, but whats wrong with just accepting a smile? In fact, I received maybe a handful of smiles, with 90% of returned glances being either glares or upturned noses, especially from women. I don't think it's because I'm black, because a great deal of the population in Seattle is black. I think everyone is just an asshole.

Stop being an asshole. Chill out. No one is going to hurt you. Well, some might. But take that risk. It'll feel totally cool when you do. Take my friend here;

The little black beach spider.

 They just walk around the beach looking for little creatures to eat, have sex with other little black beach spiders, and chill in the sun, but know how to bite if they HAVE TOO. We can take a page from their book.
If you don't like to read, well I'm sure they'll make a movie about it.


~Xavier R.

p.s. It's cool man. Really. It's cool.

14 Movies Worse then "Dazed and Confused" (According to Rotten Tomatoes)

Okay, lemme preface this by saying I don't hate "Dazed and Confused" but I don't get it. I mean, I understand what happens in the movie, you'd have to be borderline retarded to miss any of the major plot points (School, drugs, bathroom, drugs, bedroom, drugs, party, drugs, drugs, drugs) what I don't get is why it's so fucking popular. The shit is fucking boring high, why would you sit through this shit, not only sober, but fucking fawn over it like these feckless assholes paid to review movies?

I'll say it again, I don't HATE this movie, but it sure as fuck doesn't deserve a 98 percent tomatometer rating. I mean, seriously? that says that this is technically a masterpiece only marginally off-perfect: As good, if not better then movies by Orson Welles, Stanley Kubrick, David Lynch, Gus Van Sandt and Speilburg.

You see, whats got me pissed off is that it seems when I actually really dig a movie, it's tomatometer reading sucks it. I'm gonna throw you a few flicks that I know are way better then dazed and confused.

Rotten Tomatoes can eat my asshole.

Repo Men (2010) Jude Law, Forest Whitaker
Tomatometer: 22% 
What it's about: Two men kill people who cant pay for their prosthetic organs for a living. One grows a conscience. 
Why it's better then Dazed and Confused: "It totally got a message about how horrible our healthcare system is, man"

The Jacket (2005) Adrien Brody, Keira Knightley
Tomatometer: 44%
What it's about: Gulf war vet gets shot full of drugs, put in a straight jacket and time travels. 
Why it's better then Dazed and Confused: "Time travel!? WOAH! Totally"

Up In Smoke (1978) Cheech Marin, Tommy Chong
Tomatometer: 44%
What it's about: Pair of stoners smuggle weed and win a battle of the bands. 
Why it's better then Dazed and Confused: "Really, man? Do I have to draw you a diagram?"

The Cell (2000) Jennifer Lopez, Vince Vaughn
Tomatometer: 45%
What it's about: Child Psychologist puts on suit and goes into the mind of a serial killer. Looks like one big HR. Giger/ Damien Hearst gallery  
Why it's better then Dazed and Confused: "It looks totally cool, man"

A.I. (2001) Haley Joel Osment, Vince Vaughn
Tomatometer: 73%
What it's about: Pinocchio with robots.   
Why it's better then Dazed and Confused: "It's totally Pinocchio with robots, man"

The Big Lebowski (1998) Jeff Bridges, John Goodman
Tomatometer: 79%
What it's about: Stoner slacker gets his rug pissed on and tries to get it replaced. 
Why it's better then Dazed and Confused: "It's totally a stoner film noir, man!"

One Hour Photo (2002) Robin Williams
Tomatometer: 79%
What it's about: Robin Williams plays his least funny character ever.

Why it's better then Dazed and Confused: "It's totally creepy, man!"

Se7en (1995) Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman
Tomatometer: 85%
What it's about: A suspense thriller with a little of Dante's Inferno thrown in.

 Why it's better then Dazed and Confused: "Woah, dude, Kevin Spacey is a total nut job, man"

Pulp Fiction (1994) Samuel Jackson, Uma Thurman, Bruce Willis, Christopher Fuckin' Walken
Tomatometer: 94%
What it's about: a bunch of shit 
Why it's better then Dazed and Confused: "It totally has a gimp, man!"

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Probably hit it like a "G"

Now, as a man, and a really liberal, could-give-a-fuck kinda man, I've never ever found the conservative, victim blaming, "She dressed like a whore" excuse for rape to hold much water. Conservatives, and I'm not gonna sugar coat it, hate women, freedom and the American way. But I had this principle tested last night at work.
Let me describe her, she was wearing a shirt. I didn't get a good look at her face because I was scanning her legs and wondering her reasoning for wearing a skirt that short this time of the year... No, no wait. There's no skirt. Oh man, her ass cheeks are hanging out! I doubt she was wearing any underwear.
And you know what, conservatives, I still didn't want to rape her. As much as that shit would just thrill you.

But you kooky conservatives are into some, lets just say some frankly heinous shit. Especially you conservative women. You anti-choice, abstinence-only educating, home-schooling mothers just shit out girls that are going to put out anyway but are less likely to use contraception and much more likely to think that having an orgasm makes Jesus cry.

It does, but not in they way you'd automatically assume.

At this juncture I'd like to show you some Abstinence Panties from a website called What Would Your Mother Do? I'm not really how sure that applies to dealing with the frat boy's erect cock pointing at you because "make a stupid fucking website selling underwear with slogans on it" is really very niche advise.

Wow, okay, there's a real problem here. Why are these girls going to wait until they're to their underwear to spring the "I'm waiting till marriage, blah blah blah" line? Talk about rape-baiting. At this point, all they'll be is talking vaginas to the hormone stupid christian boys they're blue balling. Is she at least going to take it in the ass like a good christian girl trying to preserve her virginity?

Perfect for carrying your bible and your KY.

Shine on, you crazy christians.

Big Mike.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Gobilty Gook

Bullshit! Mother fuckers! “God” dammit! Economist on my local news channel states that encouraging people to work an extra 3 years before they retire will fix our economy. The current retirement age is 67 would you really want to be greeted by grams n’ gramps at Wal-Mart when they are 70 and stuck in a little rascal. Naw, I didn’t fucking think so.

So you’re thinking, but “B” WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW?! My answer jack shit compared to the experts but I do know that raising the retirement age is a bad idea along with cutting social security. Though I wouldn’t mind getting rid of my numeric designation.

Here is my solution, drop retirement age, force retire old fucks and hire the young and financially stupid, bar them from taking out a mortgage until financial competence is realized to keep from destroying the housing market with a million bagillion trillion zazillion foreclosures. Encourage consumerism even more creating tax breaks for spending nearly all your money on useless shit (the more you spend the more you get back). Bazing! It’s fixed.


p.s. I know I’m wrong, so very, very wrong.

Rule of Thumb; Humans prevail

Now give yourself a biscuit.
So before I left work this morning, I wandered about, looking at our selection of wines and champagnes. After about two minutes, I thought to myself
"This wine selection is rather pedestrian." I then realized my balls shrank after that inward comment. For a man who isn't in the upper echelon of society, I' sure get picky when it comes to my...everything. However, no matter the occasional desperation...I'M NOT DRINKING ANY FUCKING MERLOT.

A thought I've been having recently, is that man-kind has a tendency to always win, always succeed. Sure, I'd prefer this to happen when the world isn't crumbling around me and my inevitable death at the hands of hedonistic pig Illuminati is fast approaching, but you know. Whatever. Still makes you feel KINDA relieved, knowing that despite the alien, robot, or nuclear threat on the horizon, we win. We always win. Let's just hurry up with the world peace, already.

Off to brush my teefs

~Xavier R.

p.s. Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Etc, Etc.

Me in either 20 years, or right now

So here we are, a year and some months before the end of the world. I find myself at yet another bottle of vodka, and the rest of you find yourselves pretending to be interested at some lost Kafka works. Pray tell, how fascinating is that Post Modern Existential literature? Shut your god damn yuppie trap.

Anyways, its funny how often we hum a little diddy, not realizing that we've become what the rest of the world considers to be a free thinking radical terrorist. Didn't see that coming, did you?

Work hard, fuck harder.

~Xavier R.

p.s. It will be a slow death. But how glorious the gradual creep.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Rage: Pop Music's Cynical Empathy Play

Brandon: twice as tasty as Twilight, half the calories.

Don't you get tired of pretty, famous, straight and rich people of telling you it's okay to be ugly, unpopular, gay and broke?

I take no real pride in having done the research, other then that of a man who's survived a great misjustice. What misjustice you ask? The misjustice of Anchorage radio. It's a fucking travesty. Anchorage radio sucks primarily because no matter what station on the FM band you choose, it's basically an mp3 player with commercials. An mp3 player with all the good words taken out and a really small mp3 player at that.

So what are you to do if you're a "DJ" but you can only play 18 songs all day? You choose to choose the cheesiest bullshit you can find. The more auto-tuned, the more "Yeah! UH! WOOH!" in it, the more reference to the high roller lifestyle the better. You find and you play THOSE songs, over and over and over and over again. Sometimes you have theme nights, where you play all of these shitty songs in one long, sequencial Uhn-tiss-Uhn-tiss euro mix of shame.

And while I find the mix of sampling, auto-tune and lifestyle porn abhorrent, nothing else in my opinion is as egregeous as the cynical empathy play of pop music. Y'see, it seems you can't be a famale musical "talent" without being the ones to tell us that it's alright to be us, as if we were waiting for their approval.


Exhibit A: Lady Gaga in "Born this Way"

Exhibit B: Christina Aguilera in "Beautiful"
Exhibit C: Katy Perry in "Firework"

So, in summary: Doesn't this, now that I've brought it to your attention, drive you fucking nuts?

Think about it, you fickle fucks.

Big Mike.

Fickle caucasian teens being eaten by Fish from the Mesolithic era makes for a keen viewing experience.

No one asked you. (Though I shall be crucified by the nerds, for thats exactly what hes doing.)

So the other day I woke up wearing old clothes that were covered in mud and grass. Ah yes, vodka fueled morning baseball. However, this memory did not come back to me right away, because a drunken me is a me with a fleeting mind. I simply figured the mud people were at it again.

How irritating is it, when you come to realize that the best friend of the one you tried and failed to get with is a thousand times more glorious and beautiful, yet thrice a thousand times more difficult to gain access to? Let me explain to you the stalkerish ways in which I refer to. Excuse me, stalkerish way. Facebook.

It is this Facebook method which also made me realize how easy it is for people to use Facebook for stalking, and uh, other miscellanea of mischievous mishaps. Oh no no no, it's totally cool that I'm doing it, because I don't exactly plan on skinning her, bathing in her blood, then wearing whats left of her carcass to the Halloween party. Though that isn't an awful idea. Wait, yes it is. Bad Xavier! Bad!

Pretty much what I'm getting at, is that you need to support your local Thai food restaurant if it is privately owned by real Thais. Because thats some damn good food made by some damn nice people. That was the point I was making, right? I should probably back track and be sure no one somehow thinks ill of me. Perhaps I'll do it after a session of creepy stalker masturbation. Uh, and some Thai food.

I have spoken

~Xavier R.

p.s. With an iced tea.