I think I'm going to throw up.

So I was informed just hours ago, that for some years now, a mobile app has existed for blogger. Now, while apathy and lack of creative juices obviously played a part in many months of silence, the void of equipment needed had also caused many drawbacks. Oh well, hindsight is a bunch of numbers or whatever. That also means that I'll be able to log on more often now, and talk about stuff and things while dropping a duece. Which I could be doing now, you don't know.

Anyhoo...

There is a lot of things that I do relatively well. I'm a pretty good musician, not a terrible boxer, a decent writer, and of course a world class lover. However, something in particular, which may or may note cause more problems then it does glory, so how I am a champion drinker. 

Just so there's no misunderstanding to the classy toddlers that read this;

Alcohol, not apple juice.

One of the beautiful things that alcohol does, is loosen you up in a way that deletes the concerns for the future. That way, besides losing the fear of rejection and that social retardation just slipping away, by golly once you hit the sweet spot, that level you strove for, you don't even care that you'll probably be tossing spaghetti chunks out your mouth hole.

Now, another just lovely thing about this poison is that it's cheap. Well, it can be cheap. If the need to drown your woes is ever pulsating in your weak mortal skull, it's good to know that after a bus ride and a 10 spot with a couple of singles, you can find yourself embracing a half gallon of vodka swill while crying on your couch watching adult cartoons.

Now, being like a true champ, a barron of bad shits, a duke of dying D cells, comes with a lot of responsibility. You have to constantly be on a charm offensive, so that you don't seem out of the ordinary. What does that mean?

Well, have you ever gone on a walk into town for a cheeseburger, but your legs felt like goo, everything was hilarious, and you just didn't give a fuck? Well that's called having the drunk munchies. Now, driving like this is the purest form of retardation, so no drive through for you. You must be face to face. However, you can't just laugh and stumble around, then stare at the order taker's tits. You have to compliment them, too. You also need to keep a smile of your face while you do an erotic jig. See? Charm.

Then, when you run into some type of authority figure, such as a cop or your dumb wife, you can't just fall over next to them and blame the wind (though as a last resort it might not hurt). You need to be able to carry yourself with a certain level of dignity so that, with either person, you don't end up in a cage eating shitty food. 

Now me in particular, I am what you call a pro. I practically wrote the book on having yourself a responsible drink from time and time. Sure, I've needed to reprint that book a couple dozen times because I either piss or puke on the one prior, but so what? Sure, I've gone empty handed with the ladies at bars a bunch, but they don't call me the bi-annual 10 slammer for nothing. I'm practically every quote from some stupid book about being cool that you've ever even considered reading. 

Perhaps it doesn't help that being drunk causes bad eating habits, among other serious health issues. You can always remember though, that eating cheeseburgers is fucking awesome. What do doctors know anyways? They went to college, and college is for nerds. 

Haha, nerds.

So remember, while some nerd in a white coat might tell you that alcohol is killing a higher percentage of people every year, that you should slow down, and probably exercise more, but can still drink and have fun as long as you limit it to the weekends or perhaps just celebrations, you tell them this;

No.

Because the world sucks, and God is dead.

~X

P.s. I hope you learned something. If not, I'm sorry you're too dumb to learn. If you did, I'm sorry you're dumb and needed to learn this.

Many a moon later, we present: Mental Anguish and stress nightmares

The most peculiar thing happened to my subconscious mind. I was plagued by the most wicked nightmares that were intermittent with random moments of graphic sex. Now, I'm not sure if it was the sudden political upheaval of the Turkish government (and the bloody battle that lead to it), the theft of my Mother's golden Marvel superhero statuettes, the raiding of my house by murderous boy scouts, the gain of love then lost of trust by the woman I'm infatuated with, or, god damn it, the rampant drug use. However, when I woke up this morning, I was feeling a little uneasy.

Now, often times I will be able to tie in my real life situation into nightmares I'm having, because usually your conscious mind can either translate into your dreams, or you can at least dream slightly of the future given situations that you, again, have experienced whilst awake. These things I dreamed of, however, I could not quite find my inner self's motivation for.

With nightmares I have noticed though, it usually pertains to fears on an emotional level. Big scary monsters and ghosts and the like usually don't work on me, so my inner self finds other things. Often times, if you notice about even yourself, there is no actually correlation (or at least immediately) however you still exude those feelings of dread.

Or, fuck it, who knows. Maybe my evil twin Teddy is at it again with poisoning my coffee.

This shall surely affect my inheritance!

That being said, with the introduction of me relocating to a new home for both my well being and for work, I find myself with a new home office. I feel like writing again. I think I will. Hopefully not about nightmares that have me waking up feeling like I just survived a nuclear war.

Or maybe I will. I just reread the works of Kafka not long ago. Who knows what I'm capable of...

Getting another cup of coffee, that's what.

~Xavier R.

Book Report: Chuck Palahniuk's "Invisible Monsters"

"Nothing of me is original, I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known."

 Invisible Monsters is Chuck Palahniuk's third published novel and tells the story of an up-and-coming fashion model horribly disfigured by a stray bullet that leaves her horribly disfigured. Her jaw is gone, unable to talk, she goes from being the center of attention to a horrible monster no one can bear to look at. She embarks on a road trip with a stunning transsexual and her ex fiance to steal drugs and hormones from rich old people's open houses.

 The story itself is deceptively simple though it jumps schizophrenically between four different points in the story: the model with her parent's during holidays, modeling with her best friend, her in the hospital after the accident and on the road with the other two characters getting into shenanigans. I did seem to predict the larger plot points and twists, being familiar with Palahniuk's work. Also, I did miss his novel writing quirks present in his later works (like the oral biography in Rant or the epistolary screeds of Pygmy). I'd still say give it a read. You'll either love it or hate it.

 Plot and Characters aside, the Themes really shine here. Much like Fight Club, the central theme seems to be self destruction, whereas it seems the narrator had something to prove in his slow decent into madness and domestic terrorism, the cast of Invisible Monsters seem hell bent on doing nothing but spiting their parents. They know they're not original, a copy of a copy of a copy, so instead of trying to meet the expectations of their parents (who, like in Fight Club, are also analogous to God) and society, they try instead to be monsters in their own respective ways in a desperate attempt to be original.

All in all, I'd say it was pretty good. I'm not much of a fashionista, so if you're really not interested in our jaw-less protagonist talking for page after page about what the other characters are wearing like Tyler Durden talked about saponification and explosives, just skim it like I did. I don't think I missed much.

As a note, I'd like to say these were my impressions after reading the straight novel version of Invisible Monsters, not the Remix version, which is a retooling with late era Palahniuk's characteristically ergodic flair. I'm looking forward to that, for sure.

Love,
Big Mike.

Straight from the headlines! (Or the gutters)

Tonight, it will be decided who the two primary knuckleheads running for President Of The United States Of America will be. Are you excited? I hope not, because the likeliness of a viable candidate who has minimal self interest, proper experience, a caring attitude, and looks fresh in a one piece is pretty damn close to impossible. Sheer folly I say. Sheer folly!

Soak it all in. Try not to cum too quickly.

~Xavier R.

p.s.

Vote carefully. Its important to know which garbage can your ballot is going to be tossed into.

EDIT* 2-3-2016 So apparently I stated what would occur incorrectly. The party selections haven't happened quite yet, but the sentiment stands.

PLAYLIST 2-1-2016

Out Of The Black - Royal Blood

Tom's Diner - Suzanne Vega

Boys Wanna Be Her - Peaches

Spiderbite - Jerry Cantrell

Goodbye Pork Pie Hat (Charles Mingus Cover) - Jeff Beck

In the depraved genius lump of goo of mine known as a brain

Hello.

Drinking Alcohol gets you drunk
Eating too much food makes you fat
Writing words makes a story
Talking points are used for articles

I have eaten a lot of trail mix today. It is because I was hungry, and put too much hot sauce in my regularly scheduled breakfast.

I am older now.

Just remember this parting wisdom;

Large athletic men crashing into each other while an oddly shaped ball is tossed up and down a muddy grass field is prime time entertainment.

~Xavier R.

Playlist 1-18-2016

A Day At The Races - Jurassic 5

Scars - X Japan

Grandma Dynamite  - 24-7 Spyz

Servitude - Fishbone

Here's Lookin' At You Babe - Dr. Madd Vibe (Angelo Moore)

Conservatives Worship A Liberal Jesus (Apparently)

The United States of America, or 'Murica, in some circles, is a predominately Christian nation. While I do my best to talk about fairly universal things, I am more familiar with this particular religion, so, uh, whatever.

That being said, I want to say something before I start. I have a lot of unique and odd views with religion and spirituality, however I am a Christian. Now, I don't say that to defend myself from the bitchy horde that is the internet, I say it so that you can take it into consideration during the non-bias(non-bias-ish) elaboration. 

If Jesus was alive today, there is no way he could be a pastor of an evangelical church or a Catholic bishop. Evangelicals and conservative Catholics live off of making the distinction between their undeniable "truths" against the failings of their followers, whereas in contrast, Jesus was all about empathy and forgiveness. It's peculiar when atheists follow concepts of the gospel far better than many Christians. 

An example from "Why I Am An Atheist Who Believes In God: How To Give Love, Create Beauty And Find Peace" by Frank Schaeffer:

"Put it this way: Godless non-church-going Denmark mandates four weeks of maternity leave before childbirth and fourteen weeks afterward for mothers. Parents of newborn children are assisted with well-baby nurse-practitioner visits in their homes. In allegedly Pro-life and family friendly American Bible belt, conservative political leaders slash programs designed to help women and children while creating a justifying mythology about handouts versus empowerment."

In 'Murica, the poor are now part of what these very conservative individuals see as the problem, moochers and takers, and many side with today's also conservative media, attacking the poor while claiming it is following the Bible. So how exactly is the following the same Jesus of the Bible?

So it's as if there is that particular choice of actually following the ideals of a Hippie Pacifist Socialist Jew, or a book of contradiction.

Think about Jesus' conflicting issues with the religion that he had been a part of at the time. The Torah would say a particular something, but then he would say whatever else as part of his preaching. Against the written law of his religion, he favored empathy over it. Whenever he would undermined it,  it was of suffering love. A very liberal lifestyle. As a non-saved humanist, he would even be denied sacrament.

Kung-Fu anime Jesus don't need no wafers

So what is a Christian? Is it a follower of Christ's ideals, or a member of an organization with specific goals that go to the contrary?

You decide.

Or let your Conservative church decide, you lazy hobo loving sinner.

~Xavier R.

Playlist 1-8-2015

Peace Train - Cat Stevens

Low - Cracker

Breakfast At Tiffany's - Deep Blue Something

Bring Da Ruckus - Wu-Tang Clan

Daft Punk Is Playing At My House - LCD SOundsystem

I see the colors

I don't deny
That I understand
What is in at the moment
Full of holes
Check for them
Make your eyes
They wont forget
Take for now

I've no idea how we got here
I'm trying to displace this body again
But I can't get out

You can sound
Live back down
Call invitations
In the edges
I'ts alright

I've no idea why you are so tired
You know stuff in the way
Sunrise is all its about

There's a light cut out for you
There's a light cut out for me
There's a chance for this life
There's a chance of this for us
For all I can go
Apartment by the sea
The skin is burning
The skin is failing
Can you feel that good shit, man?
Can you feel that twisting me?

I want to go back
I want back
I'm back, I'm back
I wanna go back I'm back
I want back, I'm back

I see the colors, I see the colors, I see the colors, I see the colors

~Xavier R.

Playlist 1-5-2016

Ghost Mountain - Barrett Martin Group

Santeria - Sublime

Goodbye Pork Pie Hat - Charles Mingus

Walkin' On The Sun - Smash Mouth

Key&Peele Theme Song - Reggie Watts

My New Years Resolution (And why you shouldn't care)

O.k. So, I want to stop eating tasty food that makes me happy, stop drinking alcohol (which makes me sociable), and exercise a whole lot more instead of relax before and after a mentally draining job, and focus on the more grueling parts of my fun music career.

That's my new years resolution.

Here is the problem;

There is no problem.

Photo of me on Christmas eve. OK, maybe a little bit of a problem.

I will likely lose a lot of weight for health reasons, and also it makes it easier to prance around on stage as a performer. However, give up delicious rice and potatoes completely? Fuck you.

I will cut down on drinking, obviously, because when I'm drunk too many days in a row, I tend to talk too much and break things, and that's bad. But no cocktails on my birthday or at a concert? Again, fuck you.

And exercise, ah yes. I should go on morning jogs, of course. I should lift some weights after work, sure. But my boxing career (which hardly existed) is over, and I'm not joining the marines anytime soon. So, fuck you.

Working harder on promotion and recording for my music? Well, that obviously needs to improve. Fuck you anyways.

I say "Fuck you" after each bit because people always seem to set these expectations out loud, for the rest of the world. I don't do those things for you, I do them for me. So, I have decided to be a hypocrite and tell you about it anyways.

Why?

Because fuck you. That's why.

~Xavier R.

Playlist 12-28-2015

I'm Your Super Glue - Tenement

Future People - Alabama Shakes

Caffeinated Consciousness - Tv On The Radio

Stabbed In The Face - Wolf Eyes

Screen Shot - Swans

Suppose They Gave a Star War and Nobody Came

You and I both know that the new Star Wars movie is going to make a obscene amount of money, I'd say they'd literally be "raking it in" but that would be wrong; even if they changed all the money they'll make into thousand dollar bills there is still not a rake big enough in this plane of existence to rake it "in" in an expedient matter. The chips have already fallen and they're confident the movie is going to make a billion fucking dollars. With ridiculous cross promotion everywhere (collector's edition Star Wars Band-Aid tins anyone?), TV and internet ads and advanced ticket sales kicking the internet in the head, it's impossible to imagine a world where this movie won't make more than the GDP 27 countries. But a man can dream, no?

Better start cutting yourself kids. This bizarre compulsion to collect tins of Band-Aids isn't going to rationalize itself! 

So if the average American movie ticket is around $8.38 and the budget for the movie itself is $200 million; if less than twenty-three-point-nine million people watched it in theaters it wouldn't recoup its budget. This is obviously flawed math, as it doesn't take into account foreign markets, home entertainment, merchandise and the $4 billion Disney spent buying Lucasfilm in the first place. Though I still think people not watching Star Wars in theaters is a step in the right direction, it's really beyond my capabilities to say what will make the evil Disney empire fall.

In all this how you may be asking yourself why I want the new Star Wars (and therefore Mickey, Minnie, Goofy et al.) to fail. Disney is creatively bankrupt, decedent and a cancer on our culture. Disney, at their most creative just makes Shakespeare plays into movies about talking animals. Now they seem content merely with beating the dead horses named Marvel and Star Wars. They're making their money off of the backs of franchises made famous by people far more creative then them. I just think it's a behavior we shouldn't condone with our money.

Disney must pay for their sins.

Then again, I'm probably going to watch it too. Fuck it, boycott Star Wars or don't, I don't care. All I really want to see is Mickey Mouse cry into a glass of his Macallan '39 and hang a rope from a rafter.

Love,
Big Mike.

P.S. By the way, did you hear there are black people in it? Hopefully America is as racist as Tumblr says it is, and our amorphous white male patriarchal systems of oppression will trigger it out of existence.

Sleep tight!

SciFi Sandwich

With the impending release of the new Star Wars Movie, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, even the closet scifi fans are coming out in force (pun not intended). Of course, most will enjoy a movie that is part of the most famous cinematic series of all time, but some will rant about a genre and film series they actually know nothing about, bitching about how anti-White Jewish activist J.J. Abrams (Caster of Black Leads, hater of the Christians, and eater of children) is going to fuck everything up. Fuck it up worse then even the Prequel trilogy, which apparently made hundreds of millions of dollars each for no reason.

"Thanks a lot Disney! Boycott!" One of the many shouts they yell from their mother's trailer roof.

We want your money...and your soul.

It really is a repeating process with these people. First J.J. Abrams is a pig for accepting to direct films in both universes, then he is part of a conspiracy to cast ethnic leads to apparently destroy the white race. Sorry for the changing status quo, everyone.

Oldie but goodie

What is funny to me, is how this type of white-genocide politics and...hoo haw...doesn't exist in any of the universes in which these people are bitching about. Take Star Trek, a classic for many decades, had a multi racial cast because the creators realized that in a future of unity and putting the strongest foot forward, that would come from all sorts of backgrounds. And think realistically; You view any alien species from any book, comic, t.v. show, or movie, and you don't view them as particularly different, except maybe minor differences from genetic variation or maybe the climate of the area that they came from. Sound familiar?

"But having a black lead is playing into being politically correct!"

How? Fucking how? He merely got the god damn part. But of course it's affirmative action, even though he is English...

John Boyega at his audition for his Debut Movie,"Hit The Block"

John Boyega, the focus of these people's spite plays Fin, the storm trooper turned Jedi (I guess?) in the new Star Wars trilogy. What is interesting though, he doesn't even get guff from his capabilities as a thespian. You know, classically trained, theater and screen, critically acclaimed, which I'm sure Jim-bob backwater scifi fan (Dukes of Hazard is scifi, right?) is all green over. It's just the poison of his pigment. (Black, in case you weren't following.)

But let us not forget Hayden Christensen.

You'll always be Darth to me, pretty boy.

Hated for his wooden acting and his general creepiness (he was to be the lord of the Sith, so a criticism I never quite got.), he stands as despised for his roll, despite the massive success of the movies that he starred in brought to the pockets of George Lucas and...uh...whoever else. In all fairness though, mouth breathing scifi geeks and basement dwellers the world over would likely have hated a young Marlon Brando in the roll, because that's just the way they are.

So with either lack of information or a hatred of anything new, which leading character do we all feel would come out on top? Well, here at Spanky's Art House Porno theater, we actually got an exclusive. We Sat John Boyega and Hayden Christensen down, and gave them some peach schnapps. The results? Well...

May the force be in you

Yeah.

~Xavier R.