Big Mike's Desert Island Discs

Big Mike's Desert Island Painting

For total morons: a desert island disc is an album, usually one of five (Or ten, if you're a fuckin' douche) that a moron would commit to paper and agree to listen to nothing else should he happen to be stranded on a desert island. These are his favorite albums. The ones he is prepared to listen to for a very long time, for the rest of his life or until his rescue.
Note that I'm writing 'He' rather than 'They', this is because only a man possesses of the pure genius required to bring a generator, a record player and a box of vinyl on a risky plane ride over the bermuda triangle then say a GPS, a first aide kit or a flare gun.
That's because we're men and we're awesome.
But I digress, this is my list, my five albums I would gladly listen to well into old age eating coconuts and lazily jerking off on the beach to.

5. Neutral Milk Hotel's "In The Aeroplane Over The Sea"

 

The first few months on the island will be tumultuous ones, you'll need to survive the plane crash, eat those that didn't survive, run out of carcass, look for food, water and maybe even a way out. You'll need an album that is simultaneously calming and has enough gravitas to appropriately fit the situation you're in without being depressing. In the Aeroplane Over the Sea is a perfect choice. It has upbeat moments, calmer more somber ones (For eating those dead people) and a nice 'life sucks right now, but it'll be alright' motif.

4. Tenacious D's "Tenacious D"

Okay, shits pretty bleak. You've barely eaten in weeks, you're dehydrated, you're sun burnt, sand is everywhere it shouldn't be and you're one big raging erection of fury with no outlet. What are you to do? Lighten the fuck up with one of the funniest albums you've ever heard. It will at least take the edge off the sinking realization that you're never going to get off this island.

3. Queens of the Stone Age's "Queens of the Stone Age"

So you've come to the sinking realization that you're never going to get off this island. What are you gonna do? Well, after sulking alone in the jungle looking for food, water or just a way to get high. You're gonna come back to the beach for companionship.

What sort of companionship you ask? The one involving clitoral stimulation and ejaculation, of course. This is the album to enjoy the kinship of like-minded women desperate for distraction from how hungry they are.

Mmmm, protein!

2. Boris' "Heavy Rocks"

Guess what you found in the Jungle? A mushroom, it's green, and smells funny. I wonder if it's edible. Oh, man, it tastes like shit... holy fuck, where did that panda come from? I wish I could stop throwing up to chase it. It keeps telling me I can fly.

I'm.

Flying.

I'm flyyy-yyeeeeeeeeeen

FLYEEN AWAAAAY!

i'm gonna be sick

blech

fin.