Friday, September 9, 2011

The Price of Self Improvement

"You see, these drugs" I muscle a red and white pill down my throat, "these drugs, they make shit very cut and dry"

The giant teddy bear behind the desk in front of me nods his giant teddy head behind his loosely clasped teddy paws, just like a psychiatrist.

The woman with the TV screen face looks a lot less calm. She's to my left, occupying the chair on the opposite side of the teddy bears desk. Her heads an old TV monitor, her body underneath a clean white cat suit. She gives off no body language, not just because she's tied to the chair, no, she's not moving at all. The only way you could tell if she's even awake is a still picture of a woman's face on the screen, never moving.
Just staring at the barrel at the end of my gun.

"Take this person, for instance." I pull back the hammer and point at one of the vacuum tubes at the back of her head. "I've been thinking about her lately, she never calls or talks to me anymore, these days. When was the last time I talked to her?"

"Months ago, definitely" said the bear from behind his hands.

"Well, I sit by the phone, same time everyday and call her, to no answer!" I begin to choke up.

The bears face, even though just buttons and thread, gives me a sympathetic look.

"Finally, I just give up! then she calls me! She says, get this, 'why arent you next to the phone, waiting for me?!' she's all pissed off! Not even the slightest sense of irony here!" I cough and look out the window: its a framed picture of a loud parade just below us, it's the walrus parade. "I mean, she calls me right in the middle of the walrus parade. Not that I give a fuck about the walrus parade. Thats just it."

The Teddy bear raises his eyebrow.

"I thought I used to be in love with this woman. What the fuck was my problem? She's not even here, she's just one of my projections!" I opine "She does exist, but not to me, you see? Why should I devote any head space to a dead letter of a relationship?"

The Teddy nods and smiles. "Cut and dry"

The woman with the TV for a head has turned off, there is nothing on the screen, not even static. I holster my gun and the Teddy Bear and I grab her. We then throw her out of the window onto the walrus parade now many stories below us. She turns into confetti and the walruses can be heard barking heartily even from this high up.

Big Mike.

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