Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Where's the Armadillo?

"You'll never get away with this, you meat fascist" said the anemic PETA activist to Walter, the Zoo security guard, a man by no means deficient in protein.

Walter, a kind looking man with a mustache, smiled sympathetically as he tightened the burlap feed bag that bound the hippy to the support beam at the center of the boiler room. "You kids, you keep letting all the animals out of the zoo, you know this puts us all in a predicament"

"Wild animals are supposed to run free!" spat the skinny dreaded man.

"I understand, really I do" sighed Walter "But lions aren't supposed to run free in the zoo downtown"

The pasty face was indignant but couldn't argue with logic like that, especially not with a brain fed on tofu. "so what are you gonna do? Keep me locked up in this boiler room?"

"Well, I can't really let you off with a slap on the wrist like when you let out the petting zoo goat last week. You're gonna have to cough up the Armadillo you stole a month back"


"Where's the armadillo?" Walter asked politely

"No!" Screamed the PETA activist.

"Where's the fucking armadillo!?" Walter, now beet red, screeched into the mans ear. His gun stuck firmly under the hippy's zitty, bearded chin.

"I'll never give him up! Never!"

"Fine, have it your way" sighed Walter, calm again.

"Call the cops! I don't care, I'll go to prison, no problem! I'll do anything for the animals!" The PETA activist rattled on, as if he had something rehearsed, but in the heat of the moment only gave the jist of it.

"Cops? Oh, no." Walter smiled. He scratched his chin and gave a thoughtful look. "But you'll do anything for the animals, right?"

The hippy nodded, eager to have his iron resolve tested. "Yes."

Walter looked towards the door the hippy didn't even realize was open. "You hear that, Rex?"

A deep, throaty but distinctly feline growl came from just out of the hippy's line of vision. "Mmm hmm".

A 500 pound behemoth of a lion pranced into the room and nodded a friendly greeting to Walter. "Hey Walt" said Rex the lion and then gave the hippy a very toothy smile.

"He's a little on the light side, but I'll tell ya what Rex, I'll throw in that fuckin' goat for your troubles"

"Ah, ever the gentleman, our friend Walter" growled the lion.

Walt knelt down next to the big cat, not yet in kill mode, and ruffled his mane "I've even wrapped him up in Burlap, don't want to be environmentally unfriendly, now do we?"

"A gentleman and a scholar" Smiled Rex.

Big Mike.