Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Shitting in Mitsubishis

In 2024, scientists developed a collar like device feeding off the brainwaves of mammals and translates the signals phonetically into words and phrases

In 2033, the first commercial passenger aircraft piloted by a chimpanzee made a safe landing.

In 2045, there are no flying cars, but a population of millions of chimpanzees now hold jobs, read at a college reading level and have the right to buy alcohol and cigarettes.

"Look! I'm a fucking seal! ARF! ARF! ARF!" Screamed my roommate Reggie, atop our neighbors highly modified '35 Mitsubishi Skyline. Don't get me wrong, I hated this stupid car too: It had a ridiculously huge spoiler, it's tires were too damn big, it had tinted windows, it had spinning rims and this stupid paint job that would change colors depending on what angle you were looking at it. But still, Reggie was over reacting.

Besides, he didn't look like a seal, he looked like a pissed off chimp with a fire axe.

"Wait! Reggie! Don't do it!" I screamed to no avail. He was already in the middle of a swing.

"You..." He cut a neat 6 inch gash into the roof "Should've..." another blow to roof "Bought..." destroying the vents at the rear windshield "American..." a side mirror, gone "You..." A gash in the passenger door "Zitty..." the passenger window "Faced..." the windshield, shattering into a million little pieces. "COCKSMOKER!" screamed my roommate as he laughed maniacally and crawled right through the hole he made in the front of the car.

I went back inside the apartment, I didn't want to witness what happened next, not the ugly confrontation Reggie had with the zitty neighbor kid nor the fist fight which followed. Not even the the chimpanzee sized shit he would leave on the driver's seat.

Reggie came into the house with a cigarette between his lips. He was bruised up but he was grinning triumphantly as he laid a roll of twenties on the table. "I fleeced him for everything he had"

I gave Reggie that look I always give when he feels invincible. Beating the shit out of a human could slide, property damage would get him put down for sure.

"I wouldn't worry about it" Reggie pulled out a magazine from the back of his pants, a copy of human pride. "He's a Human Supremacist, he'd never admit to having his ass beat by a monkey. I mean, you read this shit? 'Monkies stealing human jobs'? 'Monkies suck off welfare teat'? 'Southern belle gang raped by monkies'? You would think that humans didn't have the largest outwards genitalia in the ape family."

"You never know, That southern belle might've only be being 'raped' because her daddy found out"

"Man, that's really tasteless" laughed Reggie, "This coming from the chimp who shits in Mitsubishis"

Fuck Mitsubishi,
Big Mike.

1 comment:

  1. I like your jib and the way that it's cut.

    Reminded me of an ongoing comic by Ethan Nicolle of Axe Cop fame.