Friday, September 23, 2011

Why you should consider me for upper management.

"You sure? Are you absolutely sure?" said my rival Steven, looking really really stupid in a full hazmat suit.

"Yes!" I declare.

"You're sure your fridge is demonically possessed... because of the light?" He says with that incredulous tone he knows I hate so much.

"Yes, goddamnit! Yes!" I exclaim. "The light stays on until I open it! If that's not demonic in nature I do not know what is!"

"You sure? Like positive?" having taken off the top half of his hazard suit revealing the reverend collar he was straightening on the shirt underneath it. "You know if this shit is alien, You're gonna just have to admit you don't have any real crazy devil shit go on here. We'll have to revoke your membership to the Guild of Darkness. Put you back with those trekkies down on fifth."

"Fuck you and go check my fucking fridge" I snapped, losing my composure only temporarily.

"Okay! Okay man!" I could tell he didn't trust me. He had his reverend shirt and collar, his holy water and his cross shaped axe, sure, but he had also had his hazardous materials jumpsuit on. Tied at the waist. "But lemme warn ya, I've danced with many a haunted fridge, and this shit just aint haunted." He sneered, "It's fuckin' aliens"

He swung open the fridge door after giving his a-rhythmic knock signature onto the fridge door. It's how all full fledged Darkness Guilders access the otherworld. I've been in training for the guild of darkness for 9 months. Anyone who has any potential to be in the guild have to take an entrance exam, those who dont are in the fifth floor "Paranormal Activities Research Dept", those who fail the test gets sent back there indefinitely.

Forever known as a "Repard" or just simply "Trekkies," as Steven likes to put it.

"Just check the fridge, alright?" I was losing patience.

Steven opened the door and much to my vindication a furry rancid smelling beast whos face occupied the entire length and breadth of the fridge opening. It had huge sharp teeth and what seemed to be thousands of eyes, none of them fishlike.

A demon for sure!

"Now to the untrained eye" explained Steven, obviously sweating "This MAY SEEM Demonic in nature..."

"Just fucking call it asshole, it's got demonic written all over it" I snapped letting my victory wash over me.

"It's a goddamn hologram, you little pissant. I'll prove it!" Snapping his arm into the fridge.

The creatures teeth all turned into the blades of serrated K-bar knives, most of them now all but severing Steven's forearm from his elbow.

"Okay, I believe you. Now get me out of here... please"

"Not until you sign me over your corner office and reserved parking to me"

"Bastard! You drive a hard bargain!" He laughed heartily from his gut as he signed my shrewdly printed out terms.

Not only had I commanded a situation in a way that would benefit myself and career, but I had also commanded the respect from a more experienced Co-Worker.

Please evaluate my service to this great Guild in your selecting for Co-Chair of Darkness.

For Your Consideration,

Big Mike.


  1. Good show once again. Your styling is appreciated, it has a tinge of Jason Pargin a.k.a. David Wong.

    Everybody celebrate with whiskey and games. Just me? Ok.

  2. I'll join, cept I'm out of whiskey, goldschlager, AND beer. But games? Yesss...I just got some TB51 power armor and a tesla cannon. Some muh fuckahs about to DIE!