Pictured: How I look when I'm gonna write the fuck out of a blog post.
Dear BET,
I work at a gas station, a gas station where the locals are rude and stupid. A gas station where co-workers will chastise me for listening to my own painstakingly self-neutered, safe-for-work mix because it has too much guitars, is too aggressive or isn't in english. Without a sense of irony, they'll play KGOT full blast, a station that will play the same Eminem/Rhianna song twice in one hour. Of course, spaced out with the same old Rhianna/Nicky Minaj/T-pain/Justin Bieber/Chris Brown/Lady GaGa/Ke$ha/Eminem song over and over and over again. A radio station that, at the time of writing, features 3 stories on their website: one about some jersey shore slut singing on youtube, one about Coldplay, and one about half-priced car paint jobs.
Now, I'll listen to it, purely anthropologically of course, and I will notice a disturbing trend. I'm going to address Hip Hop and Rap here. I don't need to tell you why Lady GaGa, Ke$ha and Bieber suck, because, c'mon. Anyway.
The trend can be best surmised, ironically, by a skit on an Eminem record. Naturally, this is off an album of his that didn't suck.
"You know why Dre's record was so successful? He's rapping about big screen TVs, blunts, fourties and bitches. You're rapping about homosexuals and Vicodin. I can't sell this shit! Either change the record or it's not coming out. Now get the fuck out of my office."
Now, don't get me wrong. Every successful musician has to have some market appeal, or at least appeal to a certain market. Even musicians who have no marketing potential at all gain an audience because no one else likes listening to them, or to put it politely: they're "challenging".
Pictured: Challenging
The problem with modern Hip-Hop and Rap is it's all market appeal. No one listens to a hip hop radio station and learns anything, listens to a cleverly told story or hears anything of substance or feeling. All you will hear is over-paid, under-talented and way over-hyped rappers talk shit about how over-paid, under-talented or way over-hyped they are. Sure you can rhyme, you fuckwad, but can you tell me anything while you do it? It's all about partying, cars, and what they're wearing and drinking.
Think somewhere between exceedingly wealthy automotive enthusiasts and filthy rich homosexual alcoholics from france.
Just keep on rapping about those 100 dollar bottles of Patron, bitches: those old school rappers even have you beat for conspicuous consumption while drinking.
Seven hundred dollars? Sheeeee-it.
Now call my honkey ass cynical, but even when these rappers are trying to be all "deep" or "meaningful" they come off really bad, and in the case of this song, sleazy as phuck.
Now, I have to admire whoever made this terrible video (I don't admire them enough to look up their name, however) for cramming every woman-growing-up-ghetto cliche out there. Here's what I caught: Woman running out of abortion clinic, baby witnessing domestic abuse, girl getting molested by drunk passed-out mothers boyfriend, dressing like a ho at high school, becoming a stripper, fucking a sleazy looking Mexican dude for money, hallucinating Lil' Wayne then catching HIV. All while fuckhead poses next to a guitar. What's it supposed to say? I dunno. I guess the moral of the story is bitch shoulda had an abortion.
Or conversly, just listen to NWA
Dear Tom Cruise,
I hate your movies, and I fear and distrust your religion
Okay, never mind, I hate your religion too.
Here's why: I ironically sat through one of your soul selling pitches online high on marijuana. Instead of being even close to converted, I began to take apart your arguments point by point, because as I said before, I'm a cynic. And a honkey. Heres the video.
A DRUG FREE PERSON IS 33% MORE PRODUCTIVE
Americans are the most productive people in the developed world, and guess fucking what, we're miserable. "being productive" is just short hand for working 50 hours a week for low pay and no vacation time whatsoever. Did you know I've been working full time for the last year and I don't even get an employee discount, no paid vacation time until two years from now and I have no health insurance? You know what distracts me from that fact? Drugs. Drugs keep me productive. Fuck you, Scientology.
AN EDUCATED PERSON IS 57% MORE LIKELY TO VOLUNTEER IN THE COMMUNITY
What the fuck does this even mean? I don't care, I call bullshit. How is an educated person going to have time volunteering when they're too busy earning "three times" more then anyone else? If anything, I think a high school dropout will be more likely to service the community. Especially if they're dealing drugs.
AN EMPOWERED PERSON IS 61% MORE EFFECTIVE DEFENDING AGAINST ABUSE
Okay, does the church of Scientology sell fucking 12 ounce bottles of empowerment? And furthermore, how the fuck did you get that number? Did you measure and observe abuse? Did you have an abuse control group? How big was your abuse sample?
A MORAL PERSON IS 70% MORE LIKELY TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE
Who is to say what is moral? how do you quantify morality? Is someone only 50% moral only 35% likely to have a successful marriage? What about the morality of the spouse? If I'm moral but my wife is amoral, are we only half moral? or more or less amoral?
The strategy is really simple: put as many percentiles with no context as they can and hope you fall for it. When they dont have bullshit numbers, they just pretend they're Nancy Fuckin' Reagan.
Here's the Scientology front organization Drug Free World. Here's a video of an eleven year-old doing one line (One hit?) of cocaine and dying because he was a pussy.
Now okay, we all know cocaine is bad, and more importantly too damn expensive, but what about marijuana? I know my marijuana, I smoke it all the time. And because I grew up in England, for my mandated school drug education, I talked to Frank. Frank is a pretty cool guy, and he'll tell you everything you need to know about drugs, even how much you're gonna pay for the shit, because that's what a drug education is supposed to be: fucking educational, not fear mongering. Because I got a decent education, should I ever want to shoot me some smack, I know how to be clean about it.
Drug Free World, however, couldn't even get any facts straight about something as simple as weed, for christ (Xenu) sakes. Look at this shit.
Now I want you to pay special attention to pages 7, 12, 13, 14 and 21. On page seven we get the ridiculous comparison between marijuana and alcohol, with for some reason is egregiously pro-alcohol. Not mentioned: stoners never beat their spouses or drive high because they can't get off the couch.
LRH: Loved him some drunk minors
On page 12, we see all the bad shit about smoking weed, which could also be a list of side affects to taking too much caffeine and/or Viagra. On 13 we have an anecdotal story about some asshole who smoked so much he turned into Alex Jones. On 14 we have everyone's favorite; the gateway theory. You also know what ever smacked out coke whore did before the mainlined PCP? They drove cars, and went to Wendy's, and watch bugs bunny cartoons. On 21, well, we've got the most air-tight anti-drug tool known to man or beast: A picture of two people on the beach with a caption sagely opining "Not to take drugs in the first place"
Gee, thanks.
You know what: you realize anything is possible, no matter how stupid, when millions of people worship a hack pedophile sci-fi/western author as if he were Jesus and aren't afraid to go outside their house.
I'd rather be on drugs.
Love Big Mike.
(This really should have been two posts, LOLOLOL)
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