Introducing Rachel Allison

 

I'd like to introduce you to an our newest colleague and contributor for the panel van (and prophet for the Xavier Rhone religion) Rachel Allison.

Xavier and I met Rachel in a darkened room, she breathed fire and sweated malice. She is a demon. She chops, she dices, she can spackle and sparkle. I heard she ripped a great red oak out the very earth then chopped it into a Swedish dinner set with her bare hands. 

How can she make Swedish furniture out of a federally protected American red oak? That's fucking nothing.

She rode a fleet of dragons. Not mythical dragons, she duct-taped a dozen komodo dragons together then rode them like a raft down the Amazon.

"The Amazon?" you ask "But komodo dragons aren't even native to south America" To which I tell you to kindly shut the fuck up.

She then befriended a notoriously unfriendly and secretive tribe of cannibals only to eat every single one of them raw.

But... Wait...

Shut the fuck up

She is the reason we think zombies, vampires and werewolves don't exist.

She is fluent in every language, which she learns in Mandarin, the most difficult language. 

She is an author, a pornographer, a devout lesbian, a dancer and a legend.

She is also on my blog.

You better fucking enjoy her, and enjoy her fucking your skull.

Big Mike.