Shitting in Mitsubishis

In 2024, scientists developed a collar like device feeding off the brainwaves of mammals and translates the signals phonetically into words and phrases

In 2033, the first commercial passenger aircraft piloted by a chimpanzee made a safe landing.

In 2045, there are no flying cars, but a population of millions of chimpanzees now hold jobs, read at a college reading level and have the right to buy alcohol and cigarettes.

 ***

"Look! I'm a fucking seal! ARF! ARF! ARF!" Screamed my roommate Reggie, atop our neighbors highly modified '35 Mitsubishi Skyline. Don't get me wrong, I hated this stupid car too: It had a ridiculously huge spoiler, it's tires were too damn big, it had tinted windows, it had spinning rims and this stupid paint job that would change colors depending on what angle you were looking at it. But still, Reggie was over reacting.

Besides, he didn't look like a seal, he looked like a pissed off chimp with a fire axe.

"Wait! Reggie! Don't do it!" I screamed to no avail. He was already in the middle of a swing.

"You..." He cut a neat 6 inch gash into the roof "Should've..." another blow to roof "Bought..." destroying the vents at the rear windshield "American..." a side mirror, gone "You..." A gash in the passenger door "Zitty..." the passenger window "Faced..." the windshield, shattering into a million little pieces. "COCKSMOKER!" screamed my roommate as he laughed maniacally and crawled right through the hole he made in the front of the car.

I went back inside the apartment, I didn't want to witness what happened next, not the ugly confrontation Reggie had with the zitty neighbor kid nor the fist fight which followed. Not even the the chimpanzee sized shit he would leave on the driver's seat.

Reggie came into the house with a cigarette between his lips. He was bruised up but he was grinning triumphantly as he laid a roll of twenties on the table. "I fleeced him for everything he had"

I gave Reggie that look I always give when he feels invincible. Beating the shit out of a human could slide, property damage would get him put down for sure.

"I wouldn't worry about it" Reggie pulled out a magazine from the back of his pants, a copy of human pride. "He's a Human Supremacist, he'd never admit to having his ass beat by a monkey. I mean, you read this shit? 'Monkies stealing human jobs'? 'Monkies suck off welfare teat'? 'Southern belle gang raped by monkies'? You would think that humans didn't have the largest outwards genitalia in the ape family."

"You never know, That southern belle might've only be being 'raped' because her daddy found out"

"Man, that's really tasteless" laughed Reggie, "This coming from the chimp who shits in Mitsubishis"



Fuck Mitsubishi,
Big Mike.

I like my women like I like my coffee...

Ground up and put in the freezer.

Ah! Ah! Aaah!

You're fucking swine, seriously.

Big Mike.

ლ(ಠ益ಠლ) Y U NO STAY DEAD?

To reiterate on a point Big Mike made some time ago;

All your friend's are dead. Not literally (well, not completely). But they hardly matter anymore. But some come around.

"Ol' buddy, there you are!"

No, no. Smile. Wave, call it good. Some situations are good. Some, barely bearable. Most, bad. Most, go away. Most, you weren't interested then, don't be interested now.

Perhaps the cynicism will go away. Perhaps these words will be rued. They aren't right now, though. Right now I mean them.

Cept. That one chick I had a crush on in the 6th grade. We do sex, cool? Don't worry, I have condoms. I'm a big boy now. All growed up.

~Xavier R.

The Darkness

The walls of the compound kept vibrating, and this caused anxiety among the researchers and their sporadic family members. They had no idea how to stop it, or what it was, but all had the same sneaking suspicion, of what it was. Eerily creeping past and through them, a darkness was abound.

"What?" Roy Roe was awake. He looked left and right, his wife by his side, but still asleep. Well, not asleep anymore.

"I didn't say anything, sweets." She half grumbled and half yawned. "Now go back to bed."

This would not do for Roy Roe. He knew he heard something. So half naked, half asleep, and fully intrigued, he tossed his half of the blankets on top Mrs. Roe, and slid from bed. He waved his hand passed the scanner on his door, and the door then proceeded to near instantly dissipate, leaving a wide opening for him to walk through. One he did, it then became a solid door once more. He could slightly hear his wife groan towards him as he made his way down the corridor.

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu..." Roy Roe heard the shout, which before it could finish what he figured would have become a very pronounced "fuck", he heard what he imagined was the exploding of meat. Or, well, a person. The steel walls, with no windows and the occasional door made him nervous, because the sound could have come from anywhere. He decided to run back to his room, to check on his wife.

When he arrived, he found blood covering the floor and sink in the kitchen, the living area, and the bed. All that remained were bits of bone, entails, and hair. He fell to his knees, with tears in his eyes.

"My wife...my beautiful wife." The lights in his room then brightened. This signaled daylight. The screaming had stopped. The clattering of a busy research station could be heard from outside his door.

"Wake him! Wake him now!" A familiar voice. What was this about? It was coming from nowhere!

"Wake him god damn it! The dosage was too high!" He shook and trembled, cracks in his skin opening, and glowing.

"Wake him..." and then darkness. Nothing. He woke, to find himself standing over half a dozen dead, mutilated bodies with white jackets. Behind him, a patient's table with the limb straps tore off. The walls. The ceiling. The equipment. All there, but all wavering information. Numbers. Numbers to be tampered with. A hole opened in front of him, in a wall he decided was there. He stepped through, to find himself in his living quarters. His wife was as he dreamed she was. Bits of bones, entails and hair. No...no...

He fell to his knees.

~Xavier R.

Where's the Armadillo?

"You'll never get away with this, you meat fascist" said the anemic PETA activist to Walter, the Zoo security guard, a man by no means deficient in protein.

Walter, a kind looking man with a mustache, smiled sympathetically as he tightened the burlap feed bag that bound the hippy to the support beam at the center of the boiler room. "You kids, you keep letting all the animals out of the zoo, you know this puts us all in a predicament"

"Wild animals are supposed to run free!" spat the skinny dreaded man.

"I understand, really I do" sighed Walter "But lions aren't supposed to run free in the zoo downtown"

The pasty face was indignant but couldn't argue with logic like that, especially not with a brain fed on tofu. "so what are you gonna do? Keep me locked up in this boiler room?"

"Well, I can't really let you off with a slap on the wrist like when you let out the petting zoo goat last week. You're gonna have to cough up the Armadillo you stole a month back"

"Never!"

"Where's the armadillo?" Walter asked politely

"No!" Screamed the PETA activist.

"Where's the fucking armadillo!?" Walter, now beet red, screeched into the mans ear. His gun stuck firmly under the hippy's zitty, bearded chin.

"I'll never give him up! Never!"

"Fine, have it your way" sighed Walter, calm again.

"Call the cops! I don't care, I'll go to prison, no problem! I'll do anything for the animals!" The PETA activist rattled on, as if he had something rehearsed, but in the heat of the moment only gave the jist of it.

"Cops? Oh, no." Walter smiled. He scratched his chin and gave a thoughtful look. "But you'll do anything for the animals, right?"

The hippy nodded, eager to have his iron resolve tested. "Yes."

Walter looked towards the door the hippy didn't even realize was open. "You hear that, Rex?"

A deep, throaty but distinctly feline growl came from just out of the hippy's line of vision. "Mmm hmm".

A 500 pound behemoth of a lion pranced into the room and nodded a friendly greeting to Walter. "Hey Walt" said Rex the lion and then gave the hippy a very toothy smile.

"He's a little on the light side, but I'll tell ya what Rex, I'll throw in that fuckin' goat for your troubles"

"Ah, ever the gentleman, our friend Walter" growled the lion.

Walt knelt down next to the big cat, not yet in kill mode, and ruffled his mane "I've even wrapped him up in Burlap, don't want to be environmentally unfriendly, now do we?"

"A gentleman and a scholar" Smiled Rex.


Big Mike.

The Price of Self Improvement

"You see, these drugs" I muscle a red and white pill down my throat, "these drugs, they make shit very cut and dry"

The giant teddy bear behind the desk in front of me nods his giant teddy head behind his loosely clasped teddy paws, just like a psychiatrist.

The woman with the TV screen face looks a lot less calm. She's to my left, occupying the chair on the opposite side of the teddy bears desk. Her heads an old TV monitor, her body underneath a clean white cat suit. She gives off no body language, not just because she's tied to the chair, no, she's not moving at all. The only way you could tell if she's even awake is a still picture of a woman's face on the screen, never moving.
Just staring at the barrel at the end of my gun.

"Take this person, for instance." I pull back the hammer and point at one of the vacuum tubes at the back of her head. "I've been thinking about her lately, she never calls or talks to me anymore, these days. When was the last time I talked to her?"

"Months ago, definitely" said the bear from behind his hands.

"Well, I sit by the phone, same time everyday and call her, to no answer!" I begin to choke up.

The bears face, even though just buttons and thread, gives me a sympathetic look.

"Finally, I just give up! then she calls me! She says, get this, 'why arent you next to the phone, waiting for me?!' she's all pissed off! Not even the slightest sense of irony here!" I cough and look out the window: its a framed picture of a loud parade just below us, it's the walrus parade. "I mean, she calls me right in the middle of the walrus parade. Not that I give a fuck about the walrus parade. Thats just it."

The Teddy bear raises his eyebrow.

"I thought I used to be in love with this woman. What the fuck was my problem? She's not even here, she's just one of my projections!" I opine "She does exist, but not to me, you see? Why should I devote any head space to a dead letter of a relationship?"

The Teddy nods and smiles. "Cut and dry"

The woman with the TV for a head has turned off, there is nothing on the screen, not even static. I holster my gun and the Teddy Bear and I grab her. We then throw her out of the window onto the walrus parade now many stories below us. She turns into confetti and the walruses can be heard barking heartily even from this high up.

Big Mike.

It's been awhile...Playlist 9-5-11

Beers, bitches (lack of) and work. Lots of work. Depression. All sorts of it. I bought a plane ticket to Alaska. It's cold there I hear. Who knows. I know who knows. Everyone.

I've been reading my physics book again. Also, I think my fungal infection on muh belly is gone. You didn't NEED to know that, but I told you. I haven't had sex in like...a month or two. Man, who do you think you are?

Some particularly killer tunes











Sorry it's been so long. But you know, all that chronic "patheticism."

Turn off the lights. Let fuck.

~Xavier R.

Cheap champagne and even cheaper j j junk food...Playlist 8-28-11

When was the last time your gentiles intermingled with the gentiles of another?

Lets lose our virginity ALLLLLLL over again, baby. Yeah. Calm down. Love you lots, not really.

Hey, I started on a new book again. Again.











~Xavier R.

I am too nice

I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice I am too nice



I work to construct, to help, to spread peace. Yet the social flaws are with me? I am inferior? I become angry, act more on impulse, then end up getting what I want. This is the world?

That is not acceptable.

I get older, others get older, then come to rely on me, when past reckless recreation is complete. This is the world?

That is not acceptable.

I find dark concepts humors, but actual actions despicable. (I.E. A monster that eats naughty children (me) = funny. A sicko who butchers innocent children at summer camp, non fictional = disgusting) Yet I am called hypocrite. Excuse me for not thinking a murder deserves accolades when others think they deserved it for not having proper security. Really? This is the world?

*continue repeat end of paragraph for poetic effect

And women? Don't even get me started...

This is not acceptable.

But I cannot change. I am who I am. Yet it is not fair, so I cannot forgive. I am nice, yet filled with so much hatred.  Onto headlines. Want some insight? Want more reasons to keep coming back?

- Drive-by shooting

- Public Science on a downfall

-Towel heads killing each other. Don't feel offended. They aren't real people.

-White people with their "subtle" "influence" in "media", doing everything "right."

-Save poor "Africa" (the singular "nation")

- Freeze berries for "enjoyment" in fall.

-Overuse of """"

I am not better for this.

~Xavier R.

p.s. I don't need sleep.

Kill The Sound

"Every I watch television, I want to put a slug right into my brain." Malcolm exclaimed hysterically as he passed the bottle of vodka over to Kel.

"Why? Suicide isn't always the answer, you know." Kel then took a swig of the booze, winced and waited, then swigged again. Malcolm then gratefully took the bottle back.

"Not a bullet. I mean an actual slug. You know, one of those brain control ones. A malicious one." He stood still, looking at the bottle, then hit it, hit it again, and then dropped an empty container in the grass, and kicked it to the side.

"Then maybe I'd get the guts to, you know, go on a killing spree." He started to wobble a bit. He received a stiff punch to the nose, which sent him into the ground.

"Ah what the fucking shit man? Why did you...why..." Malcolm flew to his feet, only to bend over and vomit until he fell back over. Kel began kicking him in the ribs until he vomited again, this time blood accompanying. Kel then pulled out his .45 glock and pointed it down at Malcolm.

"Wh...why? Why Kel? Why?" Kel then pulled the trigger, bent over, and stuck his finger in the freshly made hole. After a brief moment, he began laughing manically.









Mentos, The Fresh Maker

~Xavier R.