Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Rage: Robert Pattinson

There are very few things that don't piss me off, but there are fewer things that make me angrily scream unceasingly into the void as it takes me in and slowly rips me to pieces to finally digest me. It does so slowly because I taste bitter and filled with a salty rage. You see, I've been been anticipating the void and I know I can't make it stop, so I've dedicated my short and cynical life to making myself taste horrible.

What I'm referring to in a very round-a-bout way is that while everything sucks, nothing quite sucks as bad as watching something you love and doesn't suck turn into something that sucks even harder then everything else.

More succinctly (or SUCKcinctly, amirite?), Hollywood is the great satan and Robert Pattison is it's one true prophet.

And no, I'm not going to just spank it listlessly so you can swallow my hot, bitter load of Twilight hate because, frankly, everyone knows that fucking movie sucks. Why the fuck would I line up to be the billionth guy to tap that dead horse's butthole? No, I've got bigger fish to fry. The Twilight books suck, but the movies suck worse and I'm pretty sure that's because of Pattinson's Monotone acting style.

So why the fuck is he getting involved in a live action remake of Akira? He's been slated to play Tetsuo, the most pivotal of the two main characters. You wanna know how inappropriate that is? That would be like him playing the Joker in Dark Night or Rorschach in Watchmen. He just can't do it, he's too lame.

"I like watching you sleep"

Maybe if they were making a carbon copy remake of the original movie, in which Tetsuo is just a kid with really bad luck (Bike crashes, gets beat up, government experimentation) then maybe, maybe he could scrape by on bullshit and good looks. But this movie is not based on the anime, but two movies based on the six phone book sized comic. I don't really need to spell out that three hundred million pages of source material is going to have just a teensy tiny bit more character development then what ol' Robby is used to (More so than say, that pillowy Twilight series). The original movie covered book one and two, then skipped all the way to the climax of six. What happened in the interim is a sweeping epic in which the ravaged city of Neo-Tokyo split into warring factions. Those following a peaceful holy woman and the anarchic following of a meglomaniacal Tetsuo and the ever silent Akira.

Heres a scene I chopped together from book four. Context: In book four Tetsuo experiments with the psychic drugs stolen from the government, ones designed to keep his insanely painful psychic trauma in check, on normal people.
Note, giving these drugs to normal people 99 percent of the time ends up making their brains come out of their nose and ears. Knowing this, Tetsuo gets three women and... you know what, just read it.

Now, can you, with a straight face tell me that Robert Pattinson would ever be caught dead playing out this scene? Do you even think he could? Pattinson has built his image on being appealing to twelve year old girls, he's not going to blow it all by playing a guy who abuses and kills women for fun. But if he did, then I'd have to give him credit, but I doubt it'll ever happen.

On a side note, there's alot of drug taking in this book. If they were to literally translate the book into two 90 minute movies, there would be 115 minutes of drug taking, 25 of which happen at the very beginning of the movie. Do you think the super conservative hocky-moms of tweens want to see their childrens idol like this?

speaking of junkies, let's talk about Kurt Cobain.

Budum CHING!

Big Mike.


  1. Can we put good ol Robby on a pike?

  2. Sure, that is if you can catch the sparkle fairy.