Review: I am Legend (The Book and One and a Half of it's Film Adaptions)

 Multicolored tag lines make my cry bile and loudly shit myself in terror.

If you liked the Will Smith movie "I am Legend" you're stupid and I will never ever forgive you.
In all fairness I can't blame you whole-black-ice-covered-heartedly: When I told my co-workers I was reading Richard Matheson's novel I am Legend I predictably got a lot of "They made a book?"

Yes, they made a fucking book, and who the hell is "They"? By the inflection of their voice, it sounded as if my co-workers believe "They" are the ones that make books magically appear once a movie comes out to make me look like a snobby elitist. Well fuck you, I won't apologize for reading. Jesus, I don't even read that much. Most of the time my lazy ass will just go to wikipedia and read an anecdotal description of what happens to the book. Knowing people these days, you'll come off just as smart (snobby elitist) as if you had actually read the book.

I am Legend is a book I've actually read and sadly in order to review this book, I have to refer to the movie starring Will Smith. As y'all know, movies are very rarely anything like their source material and there are two types of differences: the paltry, the ones where only cosmetic details are changed. Then there's the abortive, walk out the fucking theater fuck-ups. These things I'll refer to as the "Dragonball Evolution Principle": what happens to the movie when Hollywood producers take to much coke, change the setting, plot, characters, and even the ending to appeal to retards in hopes to rake in that hookers and blow money hand over fist.

The Will Smith flick has both.

First, with the small stuff. Robert Neville wasn't black, wasn't in New York. but you know, being white or being stranded in Compton was isn't necessarily better in any other way besides being the Authors intent. What bugs me more is the fact that Robert Neville wasn't a haematologist, didn't live in a high-tech super fortress nor was he surrounded by high speed silent zombies. He was a machinist, lived in a shack he had to board up every day and the vampires actually talked.

Then the movie goes into full blown Dragonball Evolution territory about half way through. I would tell you how the movie should have ended and why he really was legend. But fuck that, buy the goddamn book (or follow that link above, I won't tell anyone)

If you're thinking I'm recommending a book solely on how bad it's film adaption was I would first have to say "Wow, you fuckwits can read!" then secondly I'd say "Yes, but it's also a pretty awesome book" here, check this out:
I had an English teacher who was getting his PHD in literature (a book doctor!) and he wrote his master's thesis specifically on Vampire fiction. The conclusion he came to was that this was the best vampire book ever written; not Dracula, not Interview, not even that literary masterpiece known as Twilight... but I am Legend. That's got to be worth something, right? He's a goddamn book doctor!

Okay, on to that other half of a film adaption. I am Legend has actually been adapted three times. firstly as the 1964 Vincent Price film The Last Man on Earth, the 1971 Charlton Heston flick The Omega Man, and the latest suck fest I'm sure you've all seen. I've seen a bit of the Vincent Price picture, and it was actually kinda decent. I recommend y'all give them both a try. You might actually like something that doesn't fucking suck.

Big Mike.